How was your Christmas? How was your New Years? Did you make a resolution?

Me neither. I hate that shit.

If you need an excuse to change something in your life then you’re doing it wrong. If you need a day to go, “Time for a fresh start ya’ll!” Then you’ll probably never get around to it and you’re only setting yourself up for failure. I don’t subscribe to nor do I know all the 12 steps, but the first is admitting you have a problem. So if you want to change something, either do it now, or create excuses as you do and don’t. It’s easier to let it go and say, “I’m not changing.” or “I can’t bring myself to change it right now.” Let it go, don’t lie to yourself, it wastes too much time.

Also, don’t judge me for not asking YOU how YOUR fucking holiday was. I didn’t do anything special, nor do I care to tell you. Don’t bait me into telling me whatever monotonous shit you did by asking me first. I am not going to ask, if I do it’s out of politeness and I am loathing every second it oozes out of my mouth. Don’t be offended, I don’t care. If you did something interesting, I’ll hear about it one way or the other I’m sure.

With that out of the way, I forget what the hell I was going to actually write about. Simply more of the same I imagine. Bitching about things that haven’t been resolved yet. Dealing with the feeling of things incomplete or not doing enough and not being able to bring myself to do any of it. No drive. I’ve scheduled my first physical in nearly 10 years for this month. Although one usually hopes nothing is found or wrong. I hope a lot of that. Something is wrong with my head and I’m not healthy. Sure I can live better, but there’s something certainly wrong. I’m hoping the obvious is discovered but perhaps more will come of it. Preferably not too much, or nothing that I can’t handle, but who knows. This appointment will be the first of many I suspect.

But I’m hoping some physical ailments and their cures help with my head. I feel cloudy and not sure where the hell it’s coming from. I started taking vitamins. What the fuck is that? Simple ones, but still what the heck. This job I have is killing me physically. It’s easy work, but still, it’s shaving small bits off my soul every day that passes, sitting in that chair, surrounded by 2 half-walls with windows, staring out across a sea of similar quarter-cubes through the giant mill building windows at the city where I live. Seeing the sun only through windows. Arriving in the overcast and leaving in it. It’s chilly and the days are short.

Surrounded by people who are either passionate about the work, or lying to themselves so hard that they genuinely believe they are. Others are biding their time. Me? I don’t know what I’m doing. I need another change. I am not making enough to support myself comfortably. I need a little extra. I am seeking side work. I would enjoy my job more if I was making enough. I’ve had more piled on with no benefit yet. There is no upward mobility nor clear avenues for growth in terms of pay. But I do need to start taking advantage of things I have at my disposal, getting my degree for free. Seeing doctors, dentists (on the to-do) and beyond. Really milking it. God forbid I leave I will never have these benefits again. Who knows.

I took a long deserved (self-imposed) break after November. I put out two books and an album and found love once again which has been certainly something creating this “fat and happy” feeling. But as simple fears go away such as eating and living and driving, others come into the fold such as projects on the back burner and life goals and the general direction of my life. I’m not doing what I want to do, but it’s a paradox, in order to realize this, I needed a job that gave me the security to do so. Before that, I was simply trying to stay alive, a day-to-day existence. So it’s a back and forth struggle. I just need more of a creative release that’s validating.

That’s all, for now.