I'm not sure. I got complacent? Lazy? Perhaps. But I refuse to accept I just have bad luck. I can't accept that. Because if that's the case then life has it in for me. My bank sent me some more ultimatum papers. It's the least of my problems. Every day is a blur. My issues have now amounted to such a barrel of laughs and a mountain of impossibility I don't know where to start, when it'll end, if it'll end, what will happen next, and if it's all too much. It's numbing to an insane extent. It's the literal expression of one step forward, two steps back. 

                 We're strictly talking financial too. Every other part of my life feels in turmoil. There is no relief. Every sense of it is stressed and stretched and suffocated. My emotional, mental, social, environmental wellness among every other piece I can't think of is strained. I try telling myself I'm over complicating things but I can't, because I'm not. I try telling myself I'm over exaggerating, but I'm not. I laugh, friends laugh when I don't talk to them for a few days, and I tell them what has happened during the week. it keeps getting worse. I can't dig myself out. I have realized i'm no longer trying to keep my head above water, I'm under it, trying to clamor back up to the surface for air. I am drowning, I am suffocating. I haven't been able to relax in months. 

         I would rather live in my car than in this current living environment. Seriously. It's so stressful. I can't take it. The tension wafts and hangs in the air here and it never leaves. My step father is poison. My stepbrother and his girlfriend are worse. If you can imagine that, please do. They deserve the worst that can happen to a human being. My mother takes it all and acts as if nothing is happening most days and increasingly deteriorates her own mental state because she knows she puts up with it all. She feels she has to. Life is too short. 

         Meanwhile, I fear now my storage unit has been sold and do not have the emotional strength to bring myself to check. They have not sent me the deadline for selling as they did last time this happened, so that is all I hope for. I fear my car will be repossessed any day now. I fear my bank will garnish my wages because I owe them money too. I have overdrafted my second, backup checking account too. My credit card, Paypal credit, school loan accounts are all behind. Ruining my credit I built up over the previous 3 years. I wreck my car by driving for Lyft to make up for overdraft fees and keep a few dollars in my account for gas and food. I'm not talking restaurants , i'm talking pb&js 4-5 times a week 2.5 meals a day if I'm lucky. To boot, my phone is not up to snuff and I've gotten a few bad reviews and horrible experiences driving people with Lyft that I might lose that too. Human and technology error. 

          I haven't been able to afford a haircut for over a month, I need my wisdom teeth out desperately now, I need them cleaned, I need X-Rays, I need my gums checked. I need a physical. I have not seen a dentist in over 6 years and a physician in over 7. Aside from working outside and in general, feeling healthy, or rather fit, maybe not so healthy, I think I will look back on this time if I have the opportunity, and realize this is why I have health issues later in life. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm sure a few things are at this point. I can't afford an oil change, or tires, or an alignment, and I need one on my car too. 

            Soon, I'm almost positive I won't be able to take regular showers soon. Car living. Fuck it. Maybe this is what I wanted. No, I don't. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? But from what I understand I'm trying as hard as I possibly can under the circumstances. There is no stability in my life. I hate asking for help. I'm no good at it. All I do is suck and suck and suck. I suck resources, I drain people emotionally, and most other ways. I wish to give back but I can't possibly fathom it right now. I'm years behind on things I've wanted to do. I'm treading in circles under water. Slowly sinking. Convincing myself some one or thing or miracle will hook me under my arms and pull me out and dry me off, sit me on the beach and say, "here, try again you idiot." Or maybe I'm under the illusion I'll somehow find the strength to swim up for a breath. But that's ridiculous. 

                I've sold a lot of things of mine. Some bittersweet, but I've become so numb that I don't have time to remember the things. With how my life has gone these past 5 years, physical possessions only represent horrible negative things for me. They used to represent accomplishment and progression. A couch, a table, silverware, a painting, a desk. Rugs, lamps, computers, amps, guitars, TVs, mugs, towels, shower curtains, stocked cabinets. A candle. No longer. I hate it all right now. I think it's still in me somewhere, buried. But...

      INTERLUDE:    (The baby is crying, and the mother storms upstairs, agravatted, and my stepbrother yells at him to stop. This baby is almost 1 year old. He cannot speak or convey his thoughts, and his fucking maggot set of parents yell at him for crying. He needs love. No, he has that, not from them though. He needs to be separated from them. He will grow up around years and years of negativity and turmoil and he will continue the cycle of his father and his before him. Creating poison for unsuspecting victims who are caught in the web of their charm. They're tied in under superficial smiles and humor, and then subject to decades of sadistic torture and abuse. Worst of all, all the while convinced they cannot escape. How sad. Why am I here? I don't belong here. I can't stand it.)

                    But right now my life is so fucked up right now I can't fathom owning another storage unit and I'd rather sell all my possessions than pay another fucking bill for a garage sized box to put shit I have no room for that represents a time in my life that used to be better. That's all it is. Fucking pain. I can't even sleep when it's quiet. My brain turns on in the morning, in the middle of the night, and for hours before I fall asleep thinking of how I have to wake up again and swim like hell to try to see the light up there. Hanging on to hope that it'll all be okay soon. It's very unlikely but it's all I have. Even then, the things I hang hope on are washed away with reality. So sometimes I have to remove myself from it and keep thinking them anyway. How I want things to be. How I want to spend the rest of my life. How I want to and that's the way it's going to be, or even simply thinking that it's possible, and I just have to wait for it. 

              Meanwhile, I cannot bring myself to go downstairs to make a few sandwiches and I despise the thought of sitting in the same room as these monsters. They are fake fucking pieces of trash that deserve nothing but driven to the landfill and burned. I'd rather go hungry in my car, than spend 5 minutes in a kitchen with two people. Isn't that something? People wonder why I'm bitter or short sometimes. I'm aware of it, but when someone's entire life is engulfed in shit, and they have no safe space or relief at all from it, then yes, that happens. It's not you, it's them. They'll get over it, apologize, and want to forget it and they'll forever be sorry for it, as I am to so many people, which additionally piles on to my stress. But know, that all they want from you most times is to forget their problems, and spend some time with you.

            So give it to them.