I understand you are retired.

I hope to be there soon. Hopefully sooner than you. I can only assume you’ve lived a long, fulfilling life of work, whatever that was. However, I also understand you own various rental properties, so perhaps none of this is true.

I am writing you today because I have an offer to make you in the form of a plea. I know that you have nothing to do all day. I know you likely have a great distaste for your 21 year old grandson who yells at his computer when he’s not at work as well. We can all hear him. In fact, when we first arrived, a not-so-distant voice was yelling “Help! Help me!” Which I could only assume was being screamed from the woods, and I was quite worried someone was hurt, until I realized it was only your grandson, screaming at his computer. Your wife apologized when we met, it’s fine, it could be worse. I am not sure of the circumstances to why he’s living with you, but I’m sure it’s nothing good, and you are probably doing god’s work.

At any rate, I understand because of these reasons, and perhaps many others, you spend a lot of time outside, especially as the leaves fall. I understand you have so much nothing to do, that you hop up on your mower, and ride around to pick up all the leaves every day. Every single day you do religiously and meticulously hop up, start the engine, and mow for hours. While I can appreciate the consistency, I cannot understand the boredom you must experience.

I plead with you, enough is enough.

Every year the leaves fall, especially here, abundant and relentless. Very much like you and your ride-on lawn mower. You have lived here over 40 years, I can appreciate the likes to which you must have seen over that time. A lot of leaves. However, you must see it from my side. You don’t take a morning off now. You start your engine up every morning, before coffee, before the sun if it’s cloudy, before the day has begun, and mow for hours, picking up every. single. leaf. on your immaculate, and unnatural lawn.

Your wife explained to us how the previous/previous owners used to clean up the front bits where nature lives in the yard we own now. We also have some proper grass/clover/moss as well. I like the nature. I picked up on the notion she was trying to tell me subtly that we should be doing so as well. Sure, we could cut down the dozen or so trees, clean up the area in which you speak of. Level it, plant grass, and create all that work.

But I won’t.

I do not want a sea of green grass. I like my trees, I like my plants, I like my clover, and ground cover. I like the ferns and day lilies and berry bushes. I do not have any sympathy toward the wretched rose bushes, they can go to hell. Every thing else is fine.

My offer is this. Mow twice a week, and your house will remain upright, un-touched from torches and gasoline.

I kid, of course. However, I will be installing a drum set atop the garage soon, closest to your dwelling, you’ll understand surely.

With great kindness,

• Your neighbors