Current state:

I am sitting in a room I scheduled an hour ago for 2 hours and I’m sitting here by myself, looking at the cloudy day outside, the traffic, highway, my screen. I’m watching Super 8 films and talking to friends online. Listening to the sounds of the air blowing into this room where the walls do not meet the ceiling, because the ceiling is gorgeous in this mill. Listening to the sounds of coworkers. Well, people who work in the building. I don’t actually know them, I don’t even work in the area this room is in. I should be working right now. I would say, “hey, it’s Friday. Who cares.” But I do this often. Life isn’t bad.

However, I am exhausted. I feel exhausted all the time now. Granted last night i didn’t get 8 hours of rolling around, I got 7. I guess there’s a difference. I am still broke, but I am always. I have a solid roof over my head now, and at home. I have a job. I can walk to my job. I now live with someone who has financial security, and ensures mine. Of course I’m not fulfilled in this job. I want to be doing 10 other things. I should just quit. I’m wasting my time, I’m wasting this place’s time. I’m wasting this room’s time. It’s a good room though. 4 desks pushed into the center to make a conference table.

The things I get agitated about now are major life goal type things. There’s always something, but the things now are mitigated in retrospect. Things aren’t so bad. I fear I’m becoming an alcoholic. I didn’t drink last night. I drink most nights. To think I am proud to know that I didn’t on a particular night says something. Tonight is Friday so I will probably drink. But I am tired too. I still need to finish moving out of my place. There’s a car full of things left. Too much shit. I get annoyed easily. I procrastinate still and I don’t know why. I need the dentist, I have insurance. Why can’t I just go? I need to enroll in courses, it’s free now, why can’t I?

I don’t have the answers. Fear, perhaps. Maybe I’m a Commitaphobe. I strongly believe i have un-diagnosed ADD. Not the self diagnosed, “Oh! Silly me!” But to the point that I literally cannot focus on things in front of me for longer than a few seconds. Important things, work things. Life things. My girlfriend, my friends, family, coworkers. There’s an SD card slot in this conference room speaker/mic in the center of the table, why?

Things like that. Do I need water? is it empty? Oh, I have to go to the bathroom first, but I’ll get coffee while I’m up. Hey Charlie! Is that his name? Shit what was his name. He reminds me of someone, who does he remind me of? Crap that’s gonna bother me, who? Wow, there’s a lot of traffic outside, wonder what’s going on. I hate traffic, good thing I walk to work. I wish I could hit my 10k just walking in, but it’s just under every single day. I can’t wait for my new watch, it counts steps. Where was I headed? Shit, I forgot my phone. I need my phone to check my account to make sure I can buy coffee. I really need to pee. Damn, the bathroom is full, i’ll go downstairs. Shit I forgot my ID. Wow that’s a ton of traffic, happy friday. I wonder if it’s going to rain, it looks like rain, I walk home too, no umberella, shit. Let me check my phone, is there shit up my nose? oh god i bet there is, so much traffic, I need a tissue, no tissues, fuck. Bathroom, yes. Can I even bring my water, phone, ID down, with a coffee too later? THe elevator’s busted. I ain’t walking up with all that. Nothing fits in these pockets, why do I wear these pants? WHo am I fooling? I need to lose weight too, in between holes in my belt, not a good place to be. Too loose, too tight. Fuck I might as well go home. Shit, how many hours left? WHat should I be doing right now? Shit, am I late to a meeting? I Think i am oh shit! No, wait, that’s thursday, today’s Wednesday.

Shit, today’s wednesday? Damn I’ve been thinking it’s THursday this whole time. Wow, now I’m really sad it’s only Wednesday. I have to do this again tomorrow and another whole day I didn’t think existed? I don’t know if I can do it. Maybe I’ll work from home tomorrow. Yea, maybe I’ll do that. I’ll say the oil guy is coming. Or I need to watch my sister’s dog. Yea, dogs are a solid excuse, every time. So silly. Bathroom.