It’s an insane thing isn’t it? Memories.

I used to have a steel trap up there, no longer. When I was a kid, through High School and into college I could remember small details of moments and trips taken long before, I used to be praised on it. Now, I barely remember names and if I told my best friend the story I want to tell them. I preface stories with, “I forget who I was talking to about this but…” and usually get a “Yea you told me.” After I begin. I worry I have some kind of memory issue these days. I attribute it to stress, but who really knows.

Not my point though. My point is it’s funny how the long term works, your brain in general. Funny how things come back and when, and how the memory changes over time. We have a tendency to alter for the better. We take our negative bits out and only remember the positive. Usually how terrible we were in the memory, or how bad things were at the time. Old flames come back, but without contention or frame of reference. Time removing all context as to why things turned out the way they did and why we were at fault.

Not only relationships, but bad times. Crazy times. Shit I did that was absolutely insane I wouldn’t think of doing now. Or things I was subject to I don’t know if i could handle now. How quickly we forget how painful things were. We tend to glamorize the past and amplify the good bits. Which is why so many people hearken and revel in the past. “The good ol’ days.” Well, we didn’t know they were the good old days and perhaps, maybe they weren’t that great. There were easily things I was worrying about and stressing over. Things I wish I had or didn’t have. Troubles and sad stuff happening, regrets and all. Things we forget over time. Today I actually thought of one I hadn’t thought of in a year. A work thing. Funny how that works.

But on another note, it’s brought me this odd, innate ability to write, and watch, and re-watch or listen or read and I don’t have much recollection of doing it. Sometimes to my dismay, horror or fear. But sometimes it’s nice. “Oh wow! That was pretty good!” It’s not fun re-learning how to play a song, but that’s the breaks. Which is why I don’t do it often. But it’s fun sometimes stumbling on something I listen to or read that I can do so from an outsider’s perspective, or someone reading it for the first time.

I find as I get older, my mind prioritizes things in order of what I truly need, perhaps not quite perfectly, but it’s alright at it. It deflects and refuses to contain any unnecessary information, sometimes to my dismay. Names of people I need to be cordial with, but truth being that I won’t see them ever again by the end of the day or week. Plans! Such important stories and plans. I don’t remember when my girlfriend schedules a damn dinner or outing with friends. “Do you want to go out Saturday with (insert friend, inevitably named Emily, so many Emily’s) and do (insert plans)” and I say yes, and forget. 3 separate times leading up to Saturday. Or when someone tells me they’re not going to be around X night. I forget.

It’s tough to get better at being present when you’re always in your own head.