I don’t want to talk about my weekend. I don’t care.

No, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to relive the mundane pieces of every Saturday and Sunday to my coworkers who simply bait me by asking only to get to the part where they tell me about their own. They even get annoyed when I simply say “not much.”

Furthermore, although they know I care not to talk about my own and waste the time on pointless conversation, they tell me about their weekends without my asking, insanity. I do not care. I would rather go back to sleep than listen to your trip to the beach sandcastles or your fucking in-laws or a trip to the park or a grocery store mishap. I sincerely do not care from the bottom of my heart. Please stop telling me.

But I can’t bring myself to insult them, so I sit and nod. One positive thing that has come from this, is that I have mastered the art of smiling, laughing even, and nodding while ingesting absolutely no information. My brain can’t retain this information. I have only so much space for all the useless drivel I have already taken in. I cannot retain anymore year’s worth of breakfast plans or late nights out or dinner stories or trips to the ocean.

There are 50+ weekends in any given year, multiply that by four or five coworkers. Considering each weekend consists of a Friday, Saturday and Sunday, that’s quite a lot of time to conjure up useless fucking stories prepared for your innocent coworkers.

That’s a lot of time wasted. Imagine multiplying that number by five minutes a piece? If four coworkers tell you their weekend stories, that’s easily twenty minutes a day, and that is a generous fucking number. Take into account all the other useless shit you listen to in a day and you’ve got yourself at least two hours a day you’re giving to people talking to and at you about things you do not care about or need to know. A total and utter waste. These people are stealing from you. What more, is they’re stealing the most precious resource you have, time. The one resource you can’t get back.

I discovered today that in the state of Indiana, it is a felony to steal a hot dog. Why? In the State of Indiana, it is a felony to steal things that cannot be returned and used. If you steal a hot dog, and eat it, you will be arrested and considered a felon.

Time is a nonrenewable resource. Lock them all up.