i haven't started drinking yet tonight. Just you wait. Pay attention to the time stamps on my postings. You'll find what you find and what you'll find, is that nothing decent or worth a shit comes out until i've had something in me a while.
It comes, but labored and forced if i'm sober. Not to say i need to have a drink to function. I don't need it. But right now, it's either feel pain or drink and get fucking creative. Pain surrounds me these days. I'm not in for the dramatics here, but what i'm saying is my use of alcohol helps me. It will get me through this. People will too, but are few and far between.
When I feel pain, I can handle it. It comes out in all kinds of ways though. Sometimes through music. But right now I need to do more living than writing song. Right now they are all, and will all be what i call "cry-baby songs." I need to write 60 of them to get one decent tune. Every one I write takes a piece out. Which most days is OK. It's tolerable and i can wade through it because other aspects of my life are intact. Right now, no aspect is intact. So by writing off the cuff, and sober, any line comes hard and my mind goes there and i go crazy. Plus, i end up drinking anyway.
By drinking, my inhibitions go away, as with anyone usually. But for me, it not only helps me with the pain, but it allows me to hone it down, whittle the pain to it's essence. I dig deeper and deeper into myself and it becomes more clear what I want in life. The truth is told, no matter how large of a pill it is to swallow. Instead of frustration, i see past it. Beer and rum help me write it down, song or thought. So when i wake up in the morning I read it and go "holy shit that's intense." But it allows me to see clearly. Does that make sense? Creatively, I am at my peak. At least right now I am. Where my life is at the moment, drinking allows me to go deep. Because if I tried going anywhere beyond the surface sober, I would surely implode, combust, die.
But drunk... I can do anything. I can call on the gods, I can express my thoughts on death. I can explore my own mortality. I can dig as far and deep and wide or as acutely as I want. I can talk candidly about one subject that bothers me that is tucked away in the daylight. I can write without concern and express my darkest fears without letting doubt get in the way. It destroys all roadblocks to those more important things.
It's coming again tonight, just you wait.