I've never been so close to the edge before.
today was interesting. i won't get into the events of the day as that'll digress. perhaps it's all the beer. things are incredibly bleak. i feel numb to my problems. i think it's the beer.
i haven't even had much in terms of drunkenness. Perhaps 8 or 9 in the span of 8 hours. well, maybe more in succession with a break in the middle, a walk, another beer incognito on the walk and another 2 when we got back. i don't remember. i don't care.
this is all that helps aside from that now. the alcohol. i'm not an alcoholic. no really. i'm aware of what it is. i don't rely on it to survive. i rely on it to get me through right now though. right NOW. right now, which is all the time lately. but it won't be forever. hopefully. i don't know. it gets worse
we watched an episode of horance and pete when we got back and ended listening to molina songs. i just fell sideways on this couch i live and closed my eyes and let my mind wander to those dark places i wish i was. because they're better than here. but because i can only think of them, because they're merely thoughts, they are dark places now. song after song after song. i refuse to move and lie there eyes closed until he left. and i was alone, with molina.
what come's after... hold on magnolia...these many 8 plus mini epics i can't recall. pretty eyes for a snake... at leas the dark. just be simple. "You said you only wanted friends for long enough to get rid of them. you found the kind you knew would only kill you, so you surrounded yourself with them." whatthefuckkk. what the actual fuck. "heaven needed a place to put all the shit." Yes.
now i'm alone here typing with molina and it won't stop and the drunk won't stop until i sleep thank god. then i get up and it will be monday. the drunks only last friday's to monday mornings. i'm ok with that. i don't know how much longer this will last. i miss my best friend i lost last month. that's what i miss right now. it was given to me, then taken away. fuck molina. until today i haven't listened much in the last week. it's too hard. it's so fucking hard. it reminds me of her too much. he is associated with the events now. the songs ohia: magnolia e Comp album (confusing i know) is all i have. it's amazing and painful more than anything to listen to right now. actually i've listened to hold on magnolia a bit this week. but i can't listen to anything else. mainly just be simple. too much pain.
but as lay here with molina with my eyes shut, i said to myself i was more ok with dying in that moment than i ever have been. i don't know. i hope those feelings don't grow as time moves. but they might.
it must be the beer. here comes monday.