I’ve got the same tires on my car as when I bought it 3 years ago. They weren’t new then. The same brakes and suspension, the same battery, the same inspection sticker. I can’t be bothered. I can’t be bothered, truly. Cars are too much. They’re just too much trouble. I’m going to buy a horse, tie it to the bike rack outside of work and battle anyone saying otherwise, contesting my choice of transportation. Clean energy. True horsepower.
I’m recognizing I’ve been in a deep state of depression for the last few weeks. Hell, months. Some state of it over the years gradually, but these last few weeks have been particularly rough somehow. I’ve been thinking about making some changes. Which is what I do when I find myself deep in a rut. All I can fathom or bare to think to do is make some kind of change. Anything, it could be literally anything. Make a big decision, life change. Job, relationship, major life-altering choice, reach out to someone i haven’t spoken to in years, rekindle a friendship or at least attempt it. Cut someone out, let someone in, break a heart, mend one, tell someone a secret, give something up, give someone up, take someone on. I don’t know, anything.
It’s when people cut themselves to feel. I make a drastic change to feel. I don’t feel anything right now. I’m waking up and falling asleep. In between, I don’t know what happens. Nothing important happens. I feel nothing. I react little to things, my normal lack of drive is in overdrive. (pun intended I guess) I do nothing. I slip into neutral. Weeks pass in the blink of an eye and I can’t recall anything that happened, even if it did. My memory is shot to hell, I’m bored, I don’t care about much, I’m not particularly passionate about anything, most things I can take or leave now. It’s all a blur. My life recently has been one large, continuous blur.
I can’t even type with more than four fingers.
So what to do? I don’t know, I write, here, to you. To who? I’m not even sure who that is. Nor do I care. I just get it out to get it out. This is the most productive I’ve been all week. The most I’ve written. I’ve jotted down a handful of sub par songs, but they’re no good, I just do it to get it out, to pass the time. Pass until I can be released into the wild of the world from work and be left to my own devices. To think about all the things I should be doing, all the things I haven’t done, should’ve done, should be doing, but can’t bear to bring myself to do.
It may sound silly. Just do it, quit crying. But these are people who don’t understand. If you’re reading this saying, “Get off your ass you cry baby. Quit whining and change something.” Then you do not understand. I’m not saying this to provide an excuse for my lack of drive, I’m simply saying if you cannot empathize, you don’t know what is happening. I’m in a rut. Floating around, wasting my life. Perhaps I’ll do something drastic tonight.
Perhaps I won’t.