Well here we are, December 30th, 2019. What a year it’s been.
I’m sitting here at home, working on the couch once again because of some unforeseen circumstance, the weather this time. But it’s the two weeks surrounding vacation for most, so I don’t feel too bad. Although in total I think I’ve left the house four times, if that. I’d like to go into the office while it’s still empty, but no such luck. My hatred for snow is greater than my need to leave the house.
I’m uploading film photos from the past year as this year, looking back I realize I’ve gotten much more serious about film photography. So I’ve created a primitive gallery of sorts, in lieu of being able to link to my Google Photos albums, ugh. I want to revamp the site, “Have No Illusions” is no longer my mantra, it was created and named at a time I was spiraling and had nothing else to turn to. It sounded appropriate at the time, fitting. Like, “Don’t kid yourself, life’ll kill ya.” Sort of thing, to quote Zevon. But now it’s a bit trite to me, cringe worthy, reminding me of a time now passed. I need to change it to move on I guess. Unfortunately, patlynch.com is an open domain now, however it’s a “premium domain” so it costs upwards of 4k. Yes, 4 grand for a fucking .com, what? So I’ll figure out what I want and rename it.
I’m not into New Years resolutions or even feel like we’re all “turning a new leaf” or anything of the sort. People look for excuses to change, reasons, rather than just doing it. I am not this type. However, I’m also the type of person who continues on when change can easily help, I’m afraid I suppose. There’s a lot I should have changed and simply didn’t. It’s silly. Even worse, it’s the end of the “decade” so everyone’s reflecting. If I may for a moment, This decade opened really well. But it’s second half was shit to me. Self inflicted, not and otherwise. It is what it is. So I try not to dwell on it, as if it’s directed my current life, as if i couldn’t change some of it, as if it means I’m done forever. I’m not, but hell if a lot of good shoud’ve come if a lot out of my control didn’t happen.
Sadly, this year bookends with a few losses, friends who I just can’t enjoy anymore. People who I considered good people, but recently I’ve found to be incredibly selfish and thoughtless. I realized after months, hell even years of dwelling on these people, mulling over every time I felt ostracized, I realized to me, at this point it’s just toxic. I’m losing sleep, spending time on talking about them, thinking about them. How they wronged me, whether I’m right or not, it’s time wasted. I could go on to make an attempt at proving my truth, but it’d be callous and wasteful to do so.
I’m not here to disparage them, they’ve been kind to me in the past, but they’ve wronged me in many ways over the past few years and I keep crawling back, because I am weak. I can’t cut people out because I hate putting myself out there to move on. I suppose that’s it. I simply can’t tell them to fuck off, to tell them how I feel. I’d rather avoid it and say so long, in my silence.
It’s almost 2020, but who really cares?