I haven’t got much to say in particular, but I wanted to write something as I haven’t updated this in some time. It’s summertime, and everyone’s been enjoying the heat (or not) and out and about doing things. Time marches on, the days grow shorter now and Autumn will be here shortly.
I’ve been working in any spare time I have to make an honest stab at sustaining myself creatively, without a real job. Or perhaps at this point in time, to care less and less about my job and make more with creative outlets. Tip the scales. I’ve been preparing for a little while now and I think I can make a go of it. Writing! Of all the things I enjoy doing, I would not of thought I could make any money writing. Well, I still haven’t, but I’ve yet to really put anything out. It’s a hurried and dirty project really. but enjoyable. It’s a one-stop-shop I need to create and I need to write a lot of short stories, releasing on a weekly basis. I’ve got one I’ve finished and editing, one I’m proofing, one I’m about finished with, and another started. We’ll see how it goes.
What else is happening? I become utterly sentimental and I hate that part of myself sometimes. Sentimentality is fine some times, but not when you’re thinking about people most times. I can’t help it though. The more mundane my days become, the more I pine for the excitement I once had, making spontaneous trips to the beach, or daily trips south to another state, or to a random crap-ass motel I considered a life in. Thinking, “Yea, I can do this!” Or going north to Old Orchard to hang out with a bunch of random people I’d never met before in my life and actually get along with.
We tend to glorify these things as time passes. We glorify the past almost immediately and our brains try desperately to wipe away any feelings of guilt or pain associated with events. So swiftly in fact that it’s tough to recall why you left in the first place not too long after something happens. Recalling the whole truth, not pieces, is a virtue not many have. Ever have a friend who reminisces the past, and in reminding them of the horror that took place, they get angry at you? Yep. People don’t like to relive or remember the bad times. That’s why people have multiple children or make the same relationship pitfalls or get fired from their jobs or eat trash. Because everyone is incredibly quick to forget the awful experience and pain that came with it.
But what to do? “Mindfulness” they tell me. Such a boring, empty pop-culture infested word. It’s just 2019 speak for “be present.” Which also sounds empty until you really examine it. So little now is anyone present. I’m not here to preach now, but bear with me while I get to the point. Nobody’s present anymore, or very little. We used to BE present. But we have access to the world now through our wristwatches, phones, computers etc. Everyone’s attention spans are dwindling and everyone chooses to fight for the next word than really take in what was said and think on it, myself included. Yata yata yata.
So what does this have to do with being sentimental? Well, it’s about being present. We get stuck too much in the past, thinking about the past, what we would’ve done differently, what could’ve been done had we known a single piece of information we now know. Hindsight, 20/20, etc. We also worry too much about the future so much that we sacrifice today for tomorrow. We worry about things that won’t ever happen! About our luggage getting lost, about an accident, a grade, what someone will say, etc. All these things which most times, don’t ever happen. Or better yet, if it does, it’s never quite as bad as we think. We sell today for a day which has not yet come. We spend weeks, months, years, decades spinning our wheels telling ourselves, “next week, I’ll finally have enough.” "This year, is my year!” “I’ll finally get to that tomorrow.” Until we get to an age where we can simply sit back and regret not doing the THING we spent so long wanting to do, but are now too old to do. At that point you’re stuck being sentimental, regretful, and worst of all, bitter and cynical. Again, indefinite sentimentality.
Look forward and back yes, but only to learn. Only knowledge can be gained from the past. Everything else is useless. Past selves and future selves are only for worrying about. “Will I make it?” “Will I get there?” “I used to be good” “I used to be able to…” It’s too much. This simply takes too much of our time and brain power. It kills people. Men have heart attacks at 50 over this shit. Women live alone and become bitter and miserable over things like the past. Change, evolve, grow. Move forward. Really sit back, and think “I’m alive, holy hell.” You might feel awful now, but there’s always some silver lining. Now I’m no optimist, so this thinking is foreign to me, but it’s true. It’s a frame of mind I haven’t yet learned myself, but I know it’s out there, waiting. I’m right on the edge, waiting to jump into it.
See? I started this not knowing what was going to happen, and here we are.