Oh

Such a sorry sad sach. Well, right now I deserve to be. 

i yanked my car apart today. That was fun. I'm hungry. I was drunk last night and ended up at a party. Eh, yes. There were 5 others there. We played this odd tells of charades end I was horrible. They all knew each other and I was the odd man out. I did not fit in. Thank god there was pizza and breadsticks and dogs and cats. A big ass fluffy cat. A huge Fucking big ass fluffy cat named moose. Aside from that I was trying my best to fit in. Want happening. Oh well. If I wasn't there I'd only be drinking and hating myself. So I think I did it to get out and do something different for a change and also to occupy my head from dark shit floating around. 

       Even my ideas for charades were kind of ripped apart. Yucky. No bueno. But I lived. Wham. Now I'm sitting here waiting for our groupy group to go on. More to come. 

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Lyft book update

Yes I am in fact still writing. Right now it's in an "experience" phase. I'm constantly coming up with ideas out in public as I live my life and feverishly writing them all down on notes in phones and my head. It'll all get very overwhelming hopefully sometime soon. Soon i'll have all these ideas with little running theme. But even there I have some. It gets more and more detailed and whirly and deep as time passes. It's transitioned from vignette type storytelling, to having a bit more depth to it, with a few story lines running through it, mixed with my own experiences. It's going to have a terrible lot of me in there. 

     But even there, I am currently living a few different hell's right now, so I have to get through those I think too. Car issues, believe it or not, as seen in the blog page of this website. So that's been fun. Numb mostly as of lately. Which is giving me a false sense of "hey! Things aren't too bad!" Which they so very much are. No music or ability to make side cash is extremely detrimental to my life and mental stability and emotional stability and well-being.  

     So I think for now, I'll keep jotting down, and writing ideas rather than hashing out full on chapters and figuring out how they all run together. I have an issue with trying to figure it all out as I go as far as story lines and themes. Rather than going back to write them in. This time, it will be better though, I will be better. And I'll go back and revise and revise and revise until it becomes a complete story filled with beautifully fucked up people, events and experiences based on the life of an unfortunately kind and unlucky character. So many things will happen. 

         All in good time. 

New music

If you weren't already aware, there's a music page here linking to my soundcloud.

ALSO, the second I upload there, it appears here via the site, there's always new stuff being added and old deleted. It's all fleeting and I like it this way. The only way to hear it all is by checking in frequently and saving it all if you're savvy enough. But here's something new 

Wrote this back in February in a motel room I recorded to a new melody for the sake of a new record. Only a demo.

Max

      Soooooooooo my sister gave us a kitten. As in she conned my mother into taking it. Knowing we'd all fall in love with it. I wanted no part in it. Of course now it's attached to me like an additional limb, literally. He climbs up my leg to sit on my lap and stare at me or climb up further to my shoulders and figures out how high he can jump or what he can jump to next. He's basically a 4 year old kid. 

       I did however save him from his original name. My mother wanted him "Mr. Banks." No. Anything beginning with "Mister" is ehhhh. I wanted Moe but my mother said he didn't seem like a Moe so she came home and said Max so max it is. I've introduced him to the hand. AKA running my hand around everywhere like a spider so he chases it around and he is madly in love. With everything. Mainly me. I think. He never stops. 

       The minute you pick him up from tearing one thing apart, he immediately directs his attention to whatever you placed him in front of. It could be the wall and he'd try to climb it. If he's incredibly interested in wherever you took him from, he WILL remember and immediately run back to whatever he was tearing apart until you distract him with something else and all but destroy and hide what it was he was tearing apart. The laundry basket, one of those mesh ones. Earbuds, wires, shirts, pants, tables, slippers, blankets, the bed, me, backpacks, shoes, did I mention me? He will physically jump straight into the air and climb up me starting at the knee. The few times I've let him actually continue, he's made it up. His claws aren't razors quite yet because he's small and he won't be able to do it forever (until he gets too big) so I think I might let him from time to time. 

      He also never calms down. He's 120% 103% of the time. He never tires and when he does it's not for long. My mother came in at midnight to pass him off to me as they could not sleep. I said fine, and not realizing kittens are a completely different ball game than grown cats, he kept me up all night. I was a bit peeved realizing there would be no end, but I had work off and I figured I'd try to tucker him out and also fuck with him by making him jump off my bed a few times. It's on the ground so not too high. He did eventually sleep a bit, not for long. 

         Max. Max. Max. What are we to do with you? He's finally for the first time today sitting in one place more than a few seconds. On my lap. Still searching for his next adventure. He'll be climbing, no, jumping, he can jump already quite a ways, and if not, climb his way up easily. He'll be getting into something soon enough. Actually, as I type this, he's already on the window sill discovering his surroundings. I always loved that part about getting a new animal. Mainly a cat because they can climb just about anywhere. The phase where they're still discovering every nook and cranny in the whole household and beyond. Soon in a matter of short years, he'll be grown and lying around for hours on end finding that patch of sun. But for now, he discovers and learns and is wide-eyed at me and the world. I'll enjoy it. He's discovering my laptop as I type. Perhaps i'll let him type a blog post and see what comes of it. Probably better than anything I'll ever write. 

          Here's to the next 20 years crossing fingers and claws. Viva La Max.

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I'm not sure

About anything anymore. I'm leaning on a fire hydrant looking at my useless car as it sits here in that middle of an intersection. Totally useless. I hit a curb. Fucked up the cv joint and everything connecting the tire to the car. Somehow.

Somehow.

Somehow.

    To boot, I started a temp job yesterday which was nice up until today when my already 4 hour days were cut short. In hopes of getting hired on. I left my old job for this. I was sent home early, and this happened. 

   No car, no money to fix it, barely a job, and even less of one than I had, and the way in which I made extra cash was by...driving. I was happy, for a day. Monday. I truly was in better spirits. I really was. I was giddy, feeling good, looking good, I sent it to a park, saw a view. But it only lasted a day. Now the job isn't looking good, my car is fucked, and I never got the chance for a solid check to fix it. Also, now nowhere to play or write. I love my life. 

  and all before 12. Not a bad days work. Expect the worst from me soon. 

 

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Over time

People still die on Saturdays despite popular belief. Sunday's too. And that's the Lord's day!  

 cold, rainy Saturdays. Tent and all. 

Drink

Don't be sad that you can not party. 

       For what you do not drink today,  

                                        You will drink tomorrow. 

Quirk of Mine

One of the more odd, quirky things I do is, when it's dark, and I am hungry I will make food or ice cream and eat it in the dark. 

      In most kitchens I've ever had the pleasure of gracing my presence, they're usually dimly lit by a light under the microwave on the wall, or some other tiny lamp for reference in the dark. Sometimes the moon, or the outside porch light coming through the window. I'll make a few sandwiches, or scoop a bowl of ice cream when no one is around. But instead of going back to my room, turning a light on and sitting down, I will stand, in the dark leaning against the counter and eat in silence and relative darkness. I really enjoy this. 

    I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the feeling of owning the night. Owning the space as no one else is around. It has to be dark though. Alone in the light, you're not truly alone. Occasionally, a cat will follow me, if there is one. I welcome them. I'll use this time to sneak them whatever I'm eating in abundance, something I wouldn't normally do with others around. I'll use it to really let them know I care and show them true, undivided attention for a lengthy period of time. Even more than I already do during the day. If someone comes down, it depends what they do. If they turn a light on, I'll disperse. If they see me in the dark, and concede, I'll hang with them in the dark. By doing so, they've agreed to live in my world. 

    So, here I am, eating two sandwiches, leaning up in the corner of my kitchen in the dark. Listening to my watch tick, tick, tick. Listenng to the outdoors. Listening to the sounds of the night, the darkness. I use this time to reflect. To really think. Because in these moments, I am truly by myself. No distractions, other than the ones I choose. 

     But it can't last forever. Back to the room.  

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Troubles in Paradise #7

 

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