Day of the Orange Man

I am two blocks away from the local arena downtown. It’s rather nice and downtown is relatively nice and eclectic if you’re looking for food. It’s a small strip, but it’s about 10 blocks of restaurants of various kinds of food. I’m very lucky.

Today however, the orange man is coming to the arena. Nobody is in the office because there are road closures surrounding the arena, the level of anxiety in the area is through the roof and most people have opted to work from home today. I haven’t looked out the window recently, but leading up to his appearance, people have been lining up since yesterday afternoon and various groups of protesters have formed as well. The biggest being a tent across the street which the gas station owner must have sanctioned.

It’s amazing the polarization these past two years have seen. Even in this building where we have a dedicated parking garage with open/free access to the highway where we’d all but avoid any closures, protesters, supporters or cops, most have decided to stay home. Why? Are we so afraid of a little inconvenience? Or is it more because we’re so disgusted, embarrassed, afraid and nervous of supporters of the current administration?

I have tickets. They were free and I wanted to witness the mayhem. But so many have drilled it into my head that I would most certainly stand out and be hassled to some respect. I was also afraid, being so close to where I work, that someone would see me and mistake me for a supporter. So instead, I will forfeit my empty seat. As much as I’d like to think it would remain empty, at this point I’m sure coordinators ensure they’re filled by folks standing outside without a ticket.

Should I be this anxious and deterred to see my President speak? No matter how clinically insane, disturbed and morally incapacitated, I should not be afraid to see him speak in person if given the chance. This is what he has created. He has created this climate of vitriol and hate. Instead I will go to dinner with friends and enjoy a night out away from the mayhem. What the hell is happening? I am excited the Circus on Showtime has been renewed for another season as it gave me a serious and intelligent look into the actual ‘Circus’ and i’ve never been so informed in my life than I have been over the past two years. I have never looked forward to another election cycle in my life. It might be the first time I’ve looked forward to it, period.

No one is here. No one is getting any work done. Wouldn’t you think that showing up to work in the face of orange man would be the best way to protest? I guess not. This very liberal University has all but come to a standstill on a skeleton crew today because of it all. Let’s be honest, no one gets much done at home anyway. So here we are, admitting defeat in a way. The reach is far beyond the local economy, road closures and the cost of the additional police force. It’s quite sad.

Beware of the orange man.

Update August 12th, 2019

I haven’t got much to say in particular, but I wanted to write something as I haven’t updated this in some time. It’s summertime, and everyone’s been enjoying the heat (or not) and out and about doing things. Time marches on, the days grow shorter now and Autumn will be here shortly.

I’ve been working in any spare time I have to make an honest stab at sustaining myself creatively, without a real job. Or perhaps at this point in time, to care less and less about my job and make more with creative outlets. Tip the scales. I’ve been preparing for a little while now and I think I can make a go of it. Writing! Of all the things I enjoy doing, I would not of thought I could make any money writing. Well, I still haven’t, but I’ve yet to really put anything out. It’s a hurried and dirty project really. but enjoyable. It’s a one-stop-shop I need to create and I need to write a lot of short stories, releasing on a weekly basis. I’ve got one I’ve finished and editing, one I’m proofing, one I’m about finished with, and another started. We’ll see how it goes.

What else is happening? I become utterly sentimental and I hate that part of myself sometimes. Sentimentality is fine some times, but not when you’re thinking about people most times. I can’t help it though. The more mundane my days become, the more I pine for the excitement I once had, making spontaneous trips to the beach, or daily trips south to another state, or to a random crap-ass motel I considered a life in. Thinking, “Yea, I can do this!” Or going north to Old Orchard to hang out with a bunch of random people I’d never met before in my life and actually get along with.

We tend to glorify these things as time passes. We glorify the past almost immediately and our brains try desperately to wipe away any feelings of guilt or pain associated with events. So swiftly in fact that it’s tough to recall why you left in the first place not too long after something happens. Recalling the whole truth, not pieces, is a virtue not many have. Ever have a friend who reminisces the past, and in reminding them of the horror that took place, they get angry at you? Yep. People don’t like to relive or remember the bad times. That’s why people have multiple children or make the same relationship pitfalls or get fired from their jobs or eat trash. Because everyone is incredibly quick to forget the awful experience and pain that came with it.

But what to do? “Mindfulness” they tell me. Such a boring, empty pop-culture infested word. It’s just 2019 speak for “be present.” Which also sounds empty until you really examine it. So little now is anyone present. I’m not here to preach now, but bear with me while I get to the point. Nobody’s present anymore, or very little. We used to BE present. But we have access to the world now through our wristwatches, phones, computers etc. Everyone’s attention spans are dwindling and everyone chooses to fight for the next word than really take in what was said and think on it, myself included. Yata yata yata.

So what does this have to do with being sentimental? Well, it’s about being present. We get stuck too much in the past, thinking about the past, what we would’ve done differently, what could’ve been done had we known a single piece of information we now know. Hindsight, 20/20, etc. We also worry too much about the future so much that we sacrifice today for tomorrow. We worry about things that won’t ever happen! About our luggage getting lost, about an accident, a grade, what someone will say, etc. All these things which most times, don’t ever happen. Or better yet, if it does, it’s never quite as bad as we think. We sell today for a day which has not yet come. We spend weeks, months, years, decades spinning our wheels telling ourselves, “next week, I’ll finally have enough.” "This year, is my year!” “I’ll finally get to that tomorrow.” Until we get to an age where we can simply sit back and regret not doing the THING we spent so long wanting to do, but are now too old to do. At that point you’re stuck being sentimental, regretful, and worst of all, bitter and cynical. Again, indefinite sentimentality.

Look forward and back yes, but only to learn. Only knowledge can be gained from the past. Everything else is useless. Past selves and future selves are only for worrying about. “Will I make it?” “Will I get there?” “I used to be good” “I used to be able to…” It’s too much. This simply takes too much of our time and brain power. It kills people. Men have heart attacks at 50 over this shit. Women live alone and become bitter and miserable over things like the past. Change, evolve, grow. Move forward. Really sit back, and think “I’m alive, holy hell.” You might feel awful now, but there’s always some silver lining. Now I’m no optimist, so this thinking is foreign to me, but it’s true. It’s a frame of mind I haven’t yet learned myself, but I know it’s out there, waiting. I’m right on the edge, waiting to jump into it.

See? I started this not knowing what was going to happen, and here we are.

Vitriol

Why must we be so mean? I know I am at times, but unless warranted, I do not tear into a loved one with such cruelty. We take things out on other humans like our play toys, sadistically taking our anger and frustrations of our own doing out on other unsuspecting friends, family and strangers. It’s a mean game we play. A lot of us are hardwired to continue to burn bridges if we’re already feeling down on ourselves or experience failure of any degree, to which we take to the highest degree and simply spread it around like a flamethrower.

Anyone approaching you to say good morning or a significant other who wants to make you feel better. A unsolicited phone call from a relative or friend, or someone passing by on the street smiling. All these unsuspecting people we all take things out on if and when they approach us. We don’t understand the repercussions of making someone else feel bad. How they will take that on during their day/ week, as you did and turn it into negative energy, and rip apart someone else later on, as you did to them. They don’t understand the spiderweb of consequences. Those people go home to people who have to handle and put them back together after you’ve put them into a poor mood. Your mood, affects theirs, and their friend’s and loved ones who they spend most of their time with. While you on the other hand, do not. You only see the barista you tear into for 2 minutes and you get to leave. Their shift doesn’t end for another 4 hours, and they go home and take it out on someone else or internalize it in various ways people do. It’s a giant cascade of anger.

These things work in positive ways too, if you make someone feel good, they’ll take that with them throughout their day internally, or externally as well. We don’t always think of it this way, we don’t usually think of it at all. If we did a bit more, people might feel better. We also don’t think about what we’re about to say, we speak our minds far too much these days. The internet, cell usage and the like create an environment where we can all share our opinion or spew vitriol and never answer to the consequences. We never have to hear the hurt we’ve caused. We can ignore and avoid the rhetoric and controversial conversation we’ve caused. It’s all on a screen, therefore easier to do as we don’t have to listen to the person’s voice, or see another person crying. We never have to apologize, we never have to answer for false accusations, hateful and provoking comments. Nobody is ever held accountable. But yet it’s all we talk about now.

We have this conversation in pop culture now about free speech. Can you really say something hurtful, slanderous, libelous, if it’s on the internet for public consumption? Especially when you have a far reaching audience and influence? We quarrel over this decision as if it’s any different than as it has in published writings. Arguably it’s longer-lasting and so much more vast than a newspaper article that I can’t fathom that it’s not illegal to spread such hate. We let this happen. We did this, and the worst part is, we’re so overwhelmed suffering from media fatigue, that we simply do not care. We scroll past. We can’t be bothered to read through an entire article or watch an entire news story, never mind question the ethics of it. If we all collectively sat down, and focused on this for a day, we could all agree hate speech is wrong. On a public forum, it is wrong. Hate is something to be condemned and shamed.

We only entered World War two when we were attacked, and did not enter the European Front until we realized hate was winning. Europe could not do it alone. We used to fight hate. We used to stand for freedom. This is all getting a bit too patriotic and preachy, but hate extends into suppression, and lack of freedom. The irony, is most people I’ve known who hate, or groups that hate, call themselves religious, or patriots. Many of them claim they have the country’s interest’s at heart. Or they twist their particular religion to their own hateful views. These are the worst types of hate, and the worst types of people. Not only hating, but using a tool based in freedoms, love and understanding, and using them as curtains and shields to protect themselves and hide behind. Thus creating victims of this hate to turn and detest their religion, detest their culture and the curtains they use to hide behind, instead of the individuals themselves. It’s a fascinating thing.

Circling back, when did we descend into a hateful community, country and time? Who did this? Were we influenced? Did they win? When? What happened? What happened to banding together, is it even possible? What happened to us?

To get personal: Don’t tear your siblings down over a text message. She’s done more for you, me, your mother, father, the world and community, than you have done for any single person, ever. You selfish little shit.

I remember

When I used to focus on one thing. When I used to love and have drive for a single thing. An unparalleled need and fire to accomplish something. A song, a script, film. Not anymore.

Now it’s all gone. It’s all gone to somewhere I cannot reach. I am my own worst enemy. I have no fire, no drive, no balls, no teeth. I don’t even know how I’m sitting here writing this. I’m wasting it. I’m wasting it all. I don’t recall the last time I accomplished a passion project. I can’t even recall the last time I WANTED such things, or a time I wasn’t being materialistic for one second and wanted something more, something lasting, like I used to.

Where did it all go? I can only blame myself, as they say. I do. Blame myself that is. But I still cannot get to the bottom of it, whatever it is, wherever it went. The things I used to have in me, potential, drive, a future of immense joy in accomplishing feats of my own imagination, endless creativity, a successful calling, career, job. I used to imagine all of it, and know how. But here I sit, alone. I have none of those things and I consider myself a failure. They say you’re only what you say you are, and I suppose that’s true too. But if I could somehow change all that, right now, I certainly would. As if I could just will it to be. To stop coming down on myself like a hammer in a nail in a coffin or 2x4 among all the rest in a house where a mother neglects her child and a father drinks and screams at his kids. If I knew how to change myself, I would. I guess I need help. I’m not sure where I am anymore. I’m in an endless void of nothing. Every day is the same.

Have I been here before? Is there some light at the end of the tunnel?

Or is this it.

Music

I’m done. I’m done writing songs for a while. For now at least. I haven’t been writing recently in the last 2 weeks, and I just haven’t been inspired enough to write anything worth while. What I have written in the last 6 months or so I’ve felt are sub par and repetitive to things I’ve written in the past. So I got drunk, wrote a song about it, and now I’m leaving it for a while.

That being said I’m working on other creative endeavors and I’ll certainly be writing in the future. I’m not quite sure though how far off in the future. But by writing this song about the topic, it gives closure to it and makes me feel a bit better about leaving it. I know myself and in previous experiences where there’s dry spells that it’ll come back, it’s in me too much. Right now creativity is just coming out in different forms these days. I was making myself feel horrible for not writing or being able to recently, and sometimes you simply have to call it for what it is, accept it, and move on.

Book 3

I gotta write another book. My first two are shit. They’re barely books, but hell I guess I did it. The first one’s a cheat of sorts. I know I’ve spoken on this before of course. but it’s just a combination of blog posts peppered with a few short stories, let’s be honest. The second I wrote when i was bored formatting and proofing the first, in 3 days perhaps. I called it a novel, but by definition and word count it’s a novella. I think you need to hit 50k for it to officially be a novel. But Bukowski’s Post Office was under 40 and it’s considered a novel. So I went out to beat him.

That one was my first attempt at a long form narrative. It has no real plot though and it’s weak. It’s simply vignettes of a guy’s fictionalized escapades. But hey, it happened and it’s out there. I also wrote it in 3 days. It was so quick because I’m usually motivated while I’m supposed to be doing work, but AT work, when I was supposed to be formatting the first which I didn’t want to do, so I doubled down on my aversion to things I don’t want to do and wrote some more. I fooled myself into it as well as it was originally supposed to be a short story, so I go about things that way.

At any rate, I’ve come up with another idea, but it’s a bit more of an undertaking and I haven’t been inspired or excited to really get into it, although it’s started. It’s changed a bit in concept, but I still think it could be good as a book. I think it’d fill one too with ease once I hash it out. I suppose I should put together an outline and timeline for finishing acts and drafts. I should. It’s quite a story full of detail and ideas. But everyone’s got that. Not many have the execution. I guess I do, don’t I? I put forth the effort to put out the last two. Formatting and proofing for no money, doing it DIY was the roughest part. It’s not hard, only time consuming. But the end result is the payoff so that’s the incentive.

huh

Current state:

I am sitting in a room I scheduled an hour ago for 2 hours and I’m sitting here by myself, looking at the cloudy day outside, the traffic, highway, my screen. I’m watching Super 8 films and talking to friends online. Listening to the sounds of the air blowing into this room where the walls do not meet the ceiling, because the ceiling is gorgeous in this mill. Listening to the sounds of coworkers. Well, people who work in the building. I don’t actually know them, I don’t even work in the area this room is in. I should be working right now. I would say, “hey, it’s Friday. Who cares.” But I do this often. Life isn’t bad.

However, I am exhausted. I feel exhausted all the time now. Granted last night i didn’t get 8 hours of rolling around, I got 7. I guess there’s a difference. I am still broke, but I am always. I have a solid roof over my head now, and at home. I have a job. I can walk to my job. I now live with someone who has financial security, and ensures mine. Of course I’m not fulfilled in this job. I want to be doing 10 other things. I should just quit. I’m wasting my time, I’m wasting this place’s time. I’m wasting this room’s time. It’s a good room though. 4 desks pushed into the center to make a conference table.

The things I get agitated about now are major life goal type things. There’s always something, but the things now are mitigated in retrospect. Things aren’t so bad. I fear I’m becoming an alcoholic. I didn’t drink last night. I drink most nights. To think I am proud to know that I didn’t on a particular night says something. Tonight is Friday so I will probably drink. But I am tired too. I still need to finish moving out of my place. There’s a car full of things left. Too much shit. I get annoyed easily. I procrastinate still and I don’t know why. I need the dentist, I have insurance. Why can’t I just go? I need to enroll in courses, it’s free now, why can’t I?

I don’t have the answers. Fear, perhaps. Maybe I’m a Commitaphobe. I strongly believe i have un-diagnosed ADD. Not the self diagnosed, “Oh! Silly me!” But to the point that I literally cannot focus on things in front of me for longer than a few seconds. Important things, work things. Life things. My girlfriend, my friends, family, coworkers. There’s an SD card slot in this conference room speaker/mic in the center of the table, why?

Things like that. Do I need water? is it empty? Oh, I have to go to the bathroom first, but I’ll get coffee while I’m up. Hey Charlie! Is that his name? Shit what was his name. He reminds me of someone, who does he remind me of? Crap that’s gonna bother me, who? Wow, there’s a lot of traffic outside, wonder what’s going on. I hate traffic, good thing I walk to work. I wish I could hit my 10k just walking in, but it’s just under every single day. I can’t wait for my new watch, it counts steps. Where was I headed? Shit, I forgot my phone. I need my phone to check my account to make sure I can buy coffee. I really need to pee. Damn, the bathroom is full, i’ll go downstairs. Shit I forgot my ID. Wow that’s a ton of traffic, happy friday. I wonder if it’s going to rain, it looks like rain, I walk home too, no umberella, shit. Let me check my phone, is there shit up my nose? oh god i bet there is, so much traffic, I need a tissue, no tissues, fuck. Bathroom, yes. Can I even bring my water, phone, ID down, with a coffee too later? THe elevator’s busted. I ain’t walking up with all that. Nothing fits in these pockets, why do I wear these pants? WHo am I fooling? I need to lose weight too, in between holes in my belt, not a good place to be. Too loose, too tight. Fuck I might as well go home. Shit, how many hours left? WHat should I be doing right now? Shit, am I late to a meeting? I Think i am oh shit! No, wait, that’s thursday, today’s Wednesday.

Shit, today’s wednesday? Damn I’ve been thinking it’s THursday this whole time. Wow, now I’m really sad it’s only Wednesday. I have to do this again tomorrow and another whole day I didn’t think existed? I don’t know if I can do it. Maybe I’ll work from home tomorrow. Yea, maybe I’ll do that. I’ll say the oil guy is coming. Or I need to watch my sister’s dog. Yea, dogs are a solid excuse, every time. So silly. Bathroom.

Months

It’s Pride Month. June is officially pride month and has been apparently, but being 2019 I haven’t noticed previously but it’s the 50th anniversary.

Before I get myself into hot water, this is not about subjects of “months” black history month, pride month, women’s history/rights month etc.

My point is that we live in a world where we allocate 30 days for “awareness” on a subject and when it’s done, we’re on to something else. We pigeon hole things we should be aware about.

Let’s not give ourselves an excuse to wait to educate ourselves on a subject. We also shouldn’t wait for a particular month to respect or bring to light or recognize a particular issue going on.

Every day is women’s month, black history day, pride day, ALS day, Parksinsons day, domestic abuse day. I do get that in our world of bombardment, we need these days, but we don’t truly, need them, do we? Don’t wait to educate yourself.

Don’t wait to start changing things.

Wedding

YO! if you got a wedding party over 10 you’re doing it wrong.

Case closed.

Gahhhh

I can’t stop picking up my phone. I can’t stop picking up my phone. I can’t stop picking up my phone. I can’t stop picking up my phone.

Why? I’m at work, why can’t I stop picking up my damn phone? I’m 27, why can’t I stop picking it up incessantly, for no reason. No reason. NO reason. Just picking it up and picking it up and picking it up. I don’t want to work anymore. I’m in this bad place I find myself in time and time again in phases. I don’t want to do much of anything. It’s not that I want to work, I don’t want to do anything. What the hell is that? Depression? Anxiety? Stress? Mental illness? Emotional detachment?

Oh stop crying you stupid bastard.

Hiding

I’ve gone and done it. Fucked it all up. So it feels.

I work at a University, (I know, who’d of thought) and we are required to spend 3 days in May not working, and at a conference in a nearby hotel. I can rarely manage to get by on my own at work, let alone surrounded by strangers who are better than I am at what they do. We are required to be cattle’d around from banquet room to “break-out sessions” where you’re beckoned into smaller, banquet style rooms to listen to various colleagues present on new initiatives and projects they’re working on. Then, we’re all corralled back into the bit banquet hall (which could be different than the first) and listen to more speeches about initiatives, lots and lots of talking. It’s painful. But for the most part, I can hide.

Today however, they have a poster session. everyone is again, corralled into a giant room, where tables are set up with posters and presenters. You are expected to walk around, and listen intently to each presenter speak to you, most times directly, about what their poster is about. Yes, it’s akin to a middle school science fair. Truly. There are no chairs, you are forced during this 2 hour period to pretend to know what you’re doing and know your job and provide meaningful feedback as if you were listening more than any other time during these 3 grueling days.

There is too much going on in my life right now that I am hiding. There is a mezzanine-style staircase in the lobby, which thankfully is just far enough out of the way from the poster session that few saw me skip out. Thankfully, it simply looks as if I’m working. I will, shortly. But it’s all very overwhelming. On top of the pretending, everyone who is everyone is forced into this small room, with posters and tables and professionals, and no coffee or chairs. It’s what I suspect hell might be like. Also, instead of a giant coffee table at breakfast with 3 or 4 carafes, (is that what they are?) whatever coffee dispensers are called these days, they had pitchers on tables. A small drivel of cream, and maybe 4 sugars per table in a glass bin. 4 sugars. 4 sugars. For a banquet table of 8. Not to mention that people would eat, then get up to move, leaving the chair open for someone else to sit without utensils and most importantly, coffee. No fucking coffee. Well, I had two, small coffees. I wanted more. It puts me to sleep at work. I need to be heavily medicated for this. Perhaps it’s attributing to my high level of anxiety right now. Perhaps.

There is a lot going on outside of work. I’m not particularly sure what to do anymore. I’m tapped out, emotionally and mentally. I want to relax. I don’t know when the last time I ever felt relaxed was.

I do however remember saying this to myself last year, and the year before, and the year before.

And the year before that too.

May

May is turning out to be a hell of a month. A lot is going on and hell if I can even tell. A lot emotionally, lots of changes, lots physically, mentally. All that fun shit.

I’m slowly moving into my girlfriend’s place. I spend no time at mine anymore, and as I’ve officially moved my PC over, there is zero reason to be at mine other than the podcast. She doesn’t really know about it, but we have the space and she’ll be cool with it. It’s been piecemeal but I have to pick a set date and really put some effort into getting my room empty. It’s just been filling a carry-on if and when I find myself at my place. I will miss it, but I can’t be precious about these things.

There’s that, a lot of planning for this summer going on as well. She just booked a trip for September, we’re going away for an elongated weekend after next, I might be getting the jamspace soon depending on my income. I don’t know where I stand at my job I’ve felt over the last few months. My Aunt nearby discovered her husband has been cheating on her, so I might need to help move them. The podcast needs to blast off with guests. I need to start reaching out to more artists. I should do that tonight. MY side work this month is also going to be a little crazy the next 2 weeks as I need to get 3 projects done in that time. I need more 35mm gear to fill my soul with pictures. I need to develop more.

Mother’s day is Sunday, my girlfriend’s birthday is the 19th and we’ll be away. Work has a 3 day retreat at a nearby hotel we have to go to (not to stay) and during that time I have an afternoon gig a town over with the jam band. I need to dry clean my suit for a night out during that time. I need to potentially buy some gear before Wednesday for that gig, a wedding shoot the 31st and another the next day. Also this week I’ve promised to go to a Zoning Board meeting for a brewery that’s opened up across the street from my place (which i’ll be leaving soon) and how the city is really F’ing them over with a few ancient ordinances. I’ve invited my team, but to no response. Classy.

I can’t even begin to go over all the other things happening. Lots! Jeebus. There’s plenty I’m forgetting as well. Yesterday I spent half the day emptying out cabinets and murdering ants and spraying and throwing crap out they destroyed. Oh yes.