It's been an interesting week as I stated in the last post. A year for that matter. Yesterday, as I attempted to help a friend with a project, I got word another beloved family animal had been put down. We all saw it coming, but a day after going to a wake adds to the death toll. I'm numb to it now. Life goes on. Move on or get stuck in the past. I have to learn this more than I know.
Today has been odd. Last night was odd. I had one of those very surreal nights where I had what I thought was a life-changing night in some aspects. But then looking back, I regret a lot of what I did or said. I'm not sure if it was yesterday's events, or today's, but recently, I have many ups and downs. Last night was a mix, ending on an up note. Today, it's the complete opposite. More and more I feel like I cannot focus which in turn renders me useless. I'm not living up to my full potential, and I find excuses to justify it all. Although now I realize this and I'm trying my best to stop it. When you meet someone new, or see a friend or acquaintance or even a stranger, striving and excelling far beyond your wildest dreams, jealousy kicks in to an extent. Of course I'm happy for them. Perhaps not jealousy, but something else. I look at myself and say what am I doing?
I'm horrible at everything I do. Well, no. But the few things in this life I want to excel at, I feel I am average at, even lacking. Film and music. That's it. Those two things have encompassed my existence since I can remember the very first moment I realized I wanted to own a camera and direct. Yesterday I shot a music video for a friend's song he's currently finishing up in the studio. A really good song. I had all these ideas, and in my head, it was half-hashed out, but would turn out somewhat decent nonetheless. But during shooting and afterwards, I didn't feel good about it. I was lost. I had no direction, I was going with the flow. My mind was nowhere. I felt like it came out horribly. It was the first project I've even started in months, years! Aside from simply uploading documenting of events. Where had I gone wrong?
So today, as I sit at work, I wonder if I'm even doing the right thing. Am I in the right place? Where am i going? I feel like I'm wasting away. I look at others my age and younger and they still have their agility and excitement and go-get'em attitude like they can take on the world. I lost that a long time ago. I'm not sure when. College I think. Or perhaps in the early stages after leaving prematurely and the years to follow. Life has gotten me down. Sometimes you see those people where you know that they are good. But life has a way of beating you into the ground if you're not careful. I feel like I'm on that path and I don't like it. I get down, but then at the same time I get antsy at feelings like this, and usually do something crazy. Crazy like sell all my crap and go somewhere. Be free. Not get tied down. Although it's in my genes. Every part of my being tells me to stay put. "Pat! You like your space, you need it! Have your big desk and your computer and things on the walls and cozy couch and instruments and movies and stay here! You need not go anywhere else!" It tells me. This little voice I subconsciously hear. My parents are the same way, my dad especially.
It's moments like this that define a person and I'm not sure where i'm going now or what the heck I'm doing. I would say tomorrow is a different day, but I know pretty well how I'll feel. So today, after work, instead of heading home, I will go in the opposite direction. I will drive to my jam space, of which I can barely afford but it keeps me from feeling totally worthless, and I will play. I will record if I don't feel completely pessimistic by the time I get there, (which happens a lot) I will play guitar and try to write something half decent. I'll listen to the other bands in the other rooms, and try not to look around asking myself if all of this is really necessary.
But more importantly, I will sit behind my drum kit, and play to my favorite music. Because at the end of the day, no matter what five or six other things I want to be the best at, I know deep down the drums are the only thing I can say with complete confidence, "I am Pat Lynch, and I can play the drums better than you." The sad part is, I won't be able to play them forever.