Oh love, you' have to look at yourself and really analyze. I’m told this is your curse. Finding these men.
He’s broken. He’s got 40+ years of knotted up filth crusted on him that he cannot untangle. He’s too tightly wound and refuses to unwind and cannot see the way how. But that’s no excuse to how he treats you. He doesn’t deserve you. Of course, simply saying he doesn’t deserve you, doesn’t make it any better. That is NO excuse to how someone treats another person. “I’m no good.” Without any actual reflection is complete crap. It’s shit. He is shit.
But more than that, he’s gotten too close to the sun. He’s a shell. He’s a caricature of a man, what a man should be. He’s only going through the motions and the only “real” that is seen, is when it’s bad. When he drinks, smokes, yells, ignores the problem so evidently, that you know it’s all he’s thinking about. Every empty statement, every silent bedtime, every meaningless conversation and “i love you”. Every trite piece of small talk about the weather or the game or question about where you both should have dinner that night. It’s so disgustingly obvious he’s only getting by, he’d rather act like nothing’s wrong. But in doing so, it’s a wound so deep that for the rest of time, it will never properly mend the way it should, and now it’s too far gone.
He knows it though, but constantly attempts to cover it up with emptiness. Nothing feels natural anymore. He’s had a taste of how bad it can get if he opens the top of his brain can up. With you, the best thing that’s ever happened to him, it’s the most intense he’s ever felt. But it’s also the most he’s ever had to confront his demons. Sacrifices, self improvement, reflection and understanding are required in extreme doses. He’s never had to do any of it. But now that he knows he has to, instead of trying, he resorts to child-like tendencies and lying down like a possum and playing dead. “What do you want me to say?” “Tell me how to fix it?” Are words from someone who doesn’t care, they push the blame onto you and will never fully look into and inside themselves for the answer. They will never take a stand or a word or fully convict themselves. He will never be fully open with you or himself for that matter.
He’s been exposed to opinions and books that make him realize he’s a lost cause unless he gets his shit together, and he never will until he’s confronted with the only good thing in his life, you, leaving him for good. But it’s a conundrum, a double edged shit sandwich. Because if you give him even the slightest notion you will return, he’ll never truly heal and untangle his knotted web of toddler-ness. If you never return, he’ll most likely be so devastated he’ll never bother fixing himself either. But if you do return, he’ll resort back, because he knows you WILL keep coming back.
I strongly suggest you leave. Love is a powerful yet fucked up thing. It’s certainly a cross to bear in these situations. But you have to think of yourself. You must look out for yourself above all else in this case. This is your future, your life I’m speaking of. Ask yourself, although you love him dearly, do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Can you? He probably won’t ever change. Before you sign papers and give your whole future to him, can you stand it?
You’ve got time, he does not.