Might've mentioned it earlier, but I was/am? Was I suppose. Was on a tour of apology with people I haven't spoken to in a long while. Old bosses, friends, beyond. All to sickening disappointment. It only ripped open scars that shouldn't have been touched. I don't know what i was thinking.
As if it'd help. As if I'd be doing any good. As if all would be forgiven or at least forgotten. I guess a part of me expected things to go back the way they were right whenever the point of our break was with whoever it is. Awkward phone call. Boy. Awkward drives, awkward thoughts, expectations.
It only lead me back into the deep depression that's hovered the last few months. I was about out of the funk emotionally. Mentally not so, but I was getting there. Other troubles that have maintained are a constant factor I need to work on. But in terms of getting myself out of the deep deep funk I was in, I had swam up a few layers and it was still there, but not so bad. Like paddling in the shallow end. But I've gotten out, and jumped and sunk right back to the bottom at the deep end.
What was I thinking? It's happened a few times now. 3 or 4 different people. Ouch. Perhaps I'm in the wrong? But I'd like to think I'm giving it a good go of, "hey, water under the bridge ay?" They say yes, or pretend it never happened and they don't give a shit. Strange silences and excuses to escape the painfully awkward situation/ conversation. I'm left with myself again. Failing at trying to fix and repair, bridge gaps and continue on without loose ends.
Instead I am left with old wounds now new again. Reliving pain I thought I was over in so many respects. It's not necessarily the same pain, but new pain, in that way. A "Oh! This will never be fixed, I need to move on, and that part of my life and their friendship I've fucked up forever and I'll never get it back. Because I fucked it up." pain. A lost friend feeling. I understand others can let it go so easily. It's bittersweet though. Because they can shut their part of their brain off. I can too. I think it's because I haven't slept. In moments of venerability I get emotional. I'll fucking cry. Don't tempt me.
Why do I do these things? I shouldn't I should let sleeping dogs lie. Accept people hate me, and move on. But, I suppose I've got a lot less to offer nowadays. I'm a miserable son of a bitch and I have nothing to offer. I thought I did. But it's not enough. It's not what anyone wants. I'm not the person I was and I don't have the same beneficial traits I once did. Do you believe in fate? Or rather, believing you only get so many chances in life at something and once they're gone, that's it? I feel that way at times.
I fucked up two relationships I wish I hadn't. Two that if I had only been a better person, my life would be drastically different. Hell, throw another in there. Three times I could've had it made in so many ways. But I was dumb and young and naive and frustrated and not emotionally stable and immensely stressed. I wish I had stuck it out a few of them you know? Accepted this is as good as it's going to get and don't fucking stray because the road ahead you're down isn't nearly as fucking pretty boy. Stay where you are. But I didn't, and here I am. And man am I so unhappy. No it has nothing to do with the relationships per say. But if I had stayed I wouldn't have made a lot of decisions I've made since. But I don't know if I believe in fate or destiny etc. But perhaps that you're only given so many shots if any at all and then the forces that be move on because they go "Jesus this kid's dumb, on to the next."
They're gone. They're all gone and they're gonna keep going because this is who I am.