I've gained a bit of weight. Well, kind of. See, I was a at pretty muscle-y 175 the last few years. Pretty svelte and my arms were pretty solid. I'd like to think so anyway.
But since leaving the cemetery after two years, I lost the muscle and gained it back in useless fat. I mean, I think it's noticeable, it kind of is. But I certainly feel it. I knew the whole time though. After 2016 when I left I was sad, I didn't think I was going back to the cemetery. But 4 months later I did. April to mid-October to be exact. I was once again in peak form. Simply part of the job. The first week is brutal if you hadn't been doing much. It wasn't too bad though. my first year, After the first day I couldn't walk straight waking up. My body was literally working out muscles it hadn't ever touched really. It was good though after a few weeks.
Now I'm sitting all day. There's a lot of food too. Desserts. A lot. Not all the time, but especially during the holidays back in December there were a lot of cookies and crap going around in general to eat. Which is fine, but if you're active. I haven't been hugely active. So I'm maintaining 175, but at a weighty 175. Lost the arms, lost the stomach. It's a bit of a transition as now I have to watch it. Actively work out, not eat so much. I'm on top of it, but it's not the same.
It doesn't help that there is no desk where I am, I lie on the bed when I'm writing. Like now. I also drink a lot. I've cut a lot of beer. It's a lot for my stomach sometimes. But I am drinking. Sipping on mixes of sorts, which doesn't help the situation. But I do it out of boredom and to escape my hell. It's back in full force. Deep.
I suppose I'm writing all this junk because one day I'll read it back. I've been reevaluating recently what I should and shouldn't write here. Since I have attempted to semi-religiously back in 2016, my journal writing has all but ceased to be. I don't write there anymore. But what deep and intensely personal things should I write here? Where is that line? How do I differentiate between "just venting" and "this is how I truly feel. It's a conviction of mine to the core." And there is a difference. Like everyone, I say things out of emotion. But in hindsight, I would never act upon a lot of what I say. I'll say I wish death upon people, but out of rage or pure emotion. I say nasty things, but in writing.
It's the same as my music. It's my way of getting over my shit. I'll say and sing mean nasty things and write them down. Because that's the only way they can be expelled out of my body to get over that hump. It'll fester. I don't know how to get over things in traditional ways. Some people fight, some run away, some beat others up, some yell and scream, some paint, some throw things, people too, and some write. Some keep it in so long and then go on a spree. or end themselves.
I write because in my opinion it's the least detrimental way to handle my emotions. I am intelligent enough to know this is how I need to deal with them. That sounds pretentious but hear me out. Wouldn't you agree a lot of folks who get emotional don't know why or especially know how to handle them? Not a lot of people are so self-aware. I could easily yell and scream and throw a chair or plate or lamp or bottle or phone. That's not me. I write. it's less destructive.
That being said, a lot of people would argue it's more destructive. It's forever. It's out there. Forever. Someone knowing I took the time to sit down and write something about them, that might hurt them more. So they think. I've written plenty about plenty of people. But in hindsight, if it's a good song, it only hurts one person, and may help more. Take it out of context and it's only me getting my shit out there. It's actually likened to shitting. Getting the toxins out. haha.
it hurts. I know, it hurts like hell. But I can't help it. I am an artist. If it's not in song it's in written form. It's the only way I know how to truly expel and express myself. Getting the bad things OFF my chest. OUT of my heart. Why? Because I know it's stupid. Fights are dumb. Arguments are dumb. But they happen. I do this and write about people and things I am sad and mad and frustrated about because I know that it's silly to fester on and I know it will one day pass. Not because I want the other person to hurt for all eternity. But because this is my way of fulfilling my need as an artist to be out there, and this is what I am feeling right now, so this is what came out.
It's not because I am so steadfast and certain I feel this way and will forever. There are songs I've written I do not play and have never played and probably never will I've released for this reason. I felt it in the moment, and it happened to be recorded and I thought it was decent enough to be released into the world. But 2 weeks later, 3 days, hell, an hour later I regret doing it. I stand by what I write, absolutely. I've answered and paid dearly for a few things already. But I don't gamble in the stake-driving business. I don't need any more enemies. If something I write causes another person to leave me behind, then so be it. I'm sorry, not my intention, but it IS out there, and it might be scathing.
For every scathing song though, there are 30-40 beautifully heartbreaking lonesome songs. Songs about lust and lost love and sheer reckless, abandoned heartbreak. Most times I can't convey the sadness in my heart to page or record, but I try. Which is why I write so much. I can't quite get to paper my true feelings. Try as I might. I can never capture the exact emotion in song. Which is why I try. I'm always chasing. There are far more friendless and blue tracks and songs and attempts in a pile of notebooks and on the empty pages in my head for the future for me, in me than there ever will be an angry song.
So if you're reading this and some day I write a song about you, sad, longing, anxious, maddening, silly, humorous, lovely, or bad. Take it as you will.
But I ask, would you rather have a bottle of rum whipped at your cheekbone? Or a few songs?
Personally, I'll take the tunes.