It ticks me off, no it pisses me off when people treat you differently when you don't have any money. To no end it makes me furious. People feel the need to pity you, and treat you like a child. I am not saying I didn't put myself into this situation, there are many things and decisions I could have made in the past to ensure I had one more dollar in my bank account than I do now.
What else though? What makes me so different? When people, especially in terms of relationships, find out about this fact that you're not totally, 100% forevermore well off in terms of finances, they shy away. As if I'm different than anyone else. I am different. Not because I'm struggling, but because I do not want to be here. See, that's what most people who pity me thinks. That somehow I chose to be here. It is true that my decisions lead me here. But those decisions are drilled into our brains from early childhood. It is my belief that I am here because at some point during college, I decided I was not like everyone else. I chose to leave. According to social norms, you can't do that. So I am left with near insurmountable debt. A system meant for everyone to follow the rules and play along and do as your told. Go to school for 16-17 years or more. From kindergarten to college. You are supposed to find yourself and educate yourself and find a career path (as long as it's in school) and find a job and do that until you die.
Sounds a bit morbid when I put it like that, but it's true. Hopefully it fulfills you. Most people don't actually end up doing what they wanted or thought they would. Hopefully whatever it is that fulfills them, they find. Because some people never find it at all. Sometimes they find it late in life. Sometimes they know from the start and die before they can. Life is a bitch. It is hard some days to not blame someone else for why I am struggling. I went through some tough situations where I wanted to die after I left. Not quite literally die but realize on more than one occasion I had nothing left. I had my minivan, and I had my debt, and I had nothing else. I could get into it late at night, start it, and drive in one direction until I ran out of gas, and put more in it if I could afford it, and keep going and no one would figure it out until a few weeks later.
I left school for two reasons. One is more accurate than the other. The first and real reason is because I could not afford it, how fucking ironic, and moronic. After 4 loans and 3 years, my co-singer was not willing to do it any longer. I will keep then anonymous. But as I was not living at home, I was assured I'd have an easier chance to get loans on my own. Which was not the case. I applied to different loan companies, banks, and in the very end, I confided in my school who always preached "There are ALWAYS options". Yes there were. Option 1: A $900/mo payment plan for 15 months. Option 2: A $1200/mo payment plan for 12 months. Something to that effect. Don't quote me, but the numbers were similar and of equal or more ridiculous terms. Those were my options. My credit was not good enough (because of my loans) to get another loan. So I was forced out. My job was through the school so I lost my job. It snowballed. I lost my apartment, because I lost my job, because I couldn't get back into school. And by default, I lost my life as I knew it.
The second reason, is I was becoming disenchanted with school. I did not get into the schools I wanted, one was too prestigious for me I suppose, and the other I was accepted, but given a letter stating I could go but I was not accepted into the major I wanted. How silly. So I was given my 3rd option. Where a video production concentration had not even been fully developed, and forever remained half-baked. The courses were not even held on campus but a local access TV station where the instructor was the manager of the studio. This was all good, but I quickly realized I was not learning anything. Making matters worse, I found we were learning what any resident could learn with a $20 membership fee. I know this because I took the same FREE classes at my hometown TV station when I was in early high school. I realized we were paying hundreds upon thousands for information any resident of the city could learn with pocket change in theory. How backwards.
I was very disenchanted with the joke of the education I was getting increasingly so starting from Sophomore year into my third year. But I stuck with it, because I had acquired two jobs there, getting raises, and all my friends were there, and my girlfriend at the time. Things were good otherwise. I had a life there. I enjoyed my life. School was a joke but my life was good. I only wanted to finish what i started. I realized I could have found a job without going to school. My knowledge had been learned... GASP!... on my own.
But life had other plans. I suppose it has a way of forcing me onto the next leg of the journey whether I want to or not. Complacency has no place in my heart I suppose. It finds me though. Every cell in me likes it. But my surroundings, or fate, or destiny or circumstances say otherwise.
So here I am 3 years later. I got a job less than two months after leaving and I've made and lost money, lost more of course and lost a lot more than money. But I survive. I want nothing more than to be treated like everyone else, and not some black sheep of the family or foster child screw up or insignificant or a pity case of a man. Some people treat you fairly and with respect and dignity and with a sense of equality; until they realize you are living paycheck to paycheck. Then they subconsciously jump on you. Suddenly they've found your weakness. They now know they are better than you. All this time feeling each other out figuring out who is more socially adept and who is out of who's league. Who should be striving for who. It is then that all your qualities (and theirs might I add) get thrown out the window and everything comes down to how well they THINK you can provide based on your financial well-being. Your adoration, unconditional love and sheer respect and willingness to fight for the other goes out the window. Even worse is the other person's negative traits are all negate because YOU are the one who is not adequate. Feelings and emotions and acceptance of them matters little now. It's about where you are socially in life and how they see themselves with you.
Nobody wants to struggle. So they see you and see struggle. Who wants that? No one wants that, not even I want it. The only difference between me and the other schmucks out there though are that I'll have fought tooth and nail for every penny and earned it. It will only be then those same people will regret what they thought. I don't fault anyone for taking advantage of their situation. I wasn't able to go to the greatest schools on earth, or have the same opportunities, and if I could be born into it, I can't blame myself or anyone else for taking advantage of their situation. We all get by in our own way. But if you treat me like I am lesser, than some day when it's too late, I hope you realize what you did.
I chose to follow where my dreams take me and not to where I am expected to go. I am expected to settle down and find a decent job behind a desk and meet a woman and marry her and buy a house and cars and swimming pools and take vacations twice a year if I'm lucky enough. Year in year out until someone dies or I die or I get to retire. That is what is expected in the society I live in. Sometimes people don't care if you enjoy it or not. "You're in your mid-20's now, you need to get your act together. Isn't it time huh?" They think your dreams die at 24 and if you haven't made it then you must give up and live a mediocre fucking life.
I want all those things. The good things. I want a place to live, I want the cars, the things, the security, the wonderful woman, the kids, the dog and cat and pets. I want trips, I want adventure, I want all the grown up toys and things that I want and always have wanted. I want the money to not have to worry. I want all those things. But must I give up my dreams for them? Or do I have to give those up for my dreams? Perhaps they're on hold.
Although which one is up to me.