I have self destructive tendencies and I think it's horrible and healthy for me. Let me explain.

But, will I ever truly get to the bottom of it? Do I secretly want to? Let's see.

So obviously reaching out to old flames and ex-bosses etc is a no-no. i know this now. Or do I? Well, in the right frame of mind yes. "Right" as in, right in the head, not as in right or wrong. It's what I felt was right, at the time but now in hindsight, horrible fucking idea. That being said, I think there's a possibility I might fall back into that mindset if i get lonely and desperate enough and rip open already ripped open old wounds that are still healing and bleeding and scarring up and now disfigured. This is the horrible part. I'm doing this to my own detriment, but as well to others. If they aren't seeking me out, then they do not want me in their lives anymore, time and actions have proved this. So what would make me go chasing? It hurts someone else when they've finally felt better about removing you from their lives, which can take months or years sometimes, and out of nowhere you reach out. It's like they have to start back from zero again. Fuck.

In that way, it's horrible.

In other ways, it is healthy. Uprooting and starting over. Being comfortable quitting your job and saying fuck it. FUCK IT! Being okay with not needing anything or anybody for the sake of saving yourself or the illusion of that or protecting yourself I suppose. But not many people have this ability to be okay with saying "fuck it, this is bad, fuck off, fuck you, i'm fucked, so I'm leaving." In whatever situation. Relationships, jobs, living situations, etc. I can simply say, "You know what, I've been here for 6 months, but I'm off to see the wizard, sorry." And go. It's healthy, it keep you on your toes. Comfort is the evil to progression and discovery and self-improvement and such. So in this way, it's healthy. You can't move up and onward if you're not willing to uproot everything on a dime.

With that said,

Fuck this post, I'm done. Moving on.