I am an enabler. I'm a giver. If I had all the money in the world I'd spend it on everyone else before myself. Of course after I took care of the things that keep me alive and content. When I have money to spend, instead of clothes and toys and new things, I usually spend it on either food, or other people. Sometimes food for other people. I think nothing more usually than to help or wish someone else well. It's literally in my head all the time. The few people in my social circle are usually the recipients of this. I can't count how many times I've spent what others think as too much on a gift or gesture or present. I'll go out of my way to make someone happy, even if it's at my own demise. It's odd talking about it and saying it. In a way, it makes it slightly less admirable. But sometimes you have to be aware of your traits to harness them properly.
Since I can remember I was always upstaging someone's gift (not on purpose) or remembering that PERFECT thing for someone. I'll remember something they said months back and keep it deep in the back of my memory or write it down secretly so later when the time comes, I can get it for them. The look of ecstasy on their faces is what makes my life worth while. I'm terrible at receiving gifts. I love what anyone gets me, but I'm not overly emotional about them physically, internally yes, but I'm not the "OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!" Person. I'd rather give more than take.
This translates to non-material possessions too. Fulfilling wishes is also on my top priorities. If someone wants to go somewhere, see something or do something, I'll make it happen. Whatever it takes. Especially if they've never done it before. It also makes me most pleased and fulfilled when I can be a part of someone's first, at anything. That's a real treat.
BUT, I also take. I am a bad taker. Not in terms of gifts or those things I mentioned above. I usually try my best to be self maintained when it comes to those things. But in terms of leaning on. When I am financially in a pinch, I put the brakes on everything. Even buying myself food. I take take take take. I don't do anything for anyone as i'm in a significant state of depression and I don't go out and get down on myself and realize my life is going nowhere fast and don't talk to my friends and cancel plans and don't get anything done and get more and more desperate. I mooch reluctantly on people who graciously help me. I'm not good at thanking people enough for it. I am learning to change that though. But doing it while I'm STILL in a financial hardship doesn't mean much to me. I want to thank someone after I'm back on my feet, and can do something for THEM. A way to say "Hey, I am here now because of you. THANK YOU!" But sometimes I go from place to place, person to person or situation to crappy situation and don't get much better. So time goes on and I feel like I look ungrateful. Which I know I do. I don't feel very good about it, but it's how my mind works.
I block out the bad stuff and it kills me inside every time I think about it. The people I've hurt. But my mind works in a way where it will either eat me up inside and kill me, or I learn to exile it from my whole being and pretend it never happened, until I am in a better place where I can slowly intake it and rectify it. But if i try when I'm dealing with 23 other problems, then it will kill me. I will be buried in stress and problems and I'll go deeper into my stupor of sadness. So I hurt a lot of people doing this I think, but to fix it in the interim, I focus goodness and kindness and all my positive energy on other people and new people that don't know about the other things that are going on. I don't like to share all the terrible things in my life, or what I find terrible. I don't like to share all the things eating me up in my head, because that's no good. That does no good except to get it off my plate. But really it's cloning it, and putting the same trouble and sadness on THEIR plate too. So now they're burdened with my problems to either help me fix or forced to sympathize or empathize and help me see it'll work out.
That is no good. So I find ways like writing, preoccupying myself and playing and writing music to vent those problems. It's a great outlet. As long as I feel like it's out and I'm over needing to vent it, it works. Nobody else is hurt in the process. I'm not all that good at keeping things to myself these days. I have fewer and fewer friends as time goes on and I spend a lot of time alone to myself and so when I get to talking, WHEN i talk, it can go on for a while. I spend a lot of my time thinking. Which is why I'm good at articulating my thoughts by writing/typing, rather than speaking. I can stop for a moment or minute and think of HOW I want to say something. Rather than speaking. When i talk out loud, I lose my train of thought and lose the point or even the damn end of a sentence. I'm not used to talking too much out loud. I can function perfectly fine in conversation, but when i think about something to say, there's so much of it my mind goes 10 steps ahead or in 10 different directions and the original point is gone.
I can't stop and think, OK, this is what I'm going to say, every time I need to talk. That'd be weird. So I can't and don't do that. I can get deep into conversations late at night. i find when I'm most tired I can focus better ironically enough. My brain learns to focus on ONE thing and one thing only. Not multitask. Multitasking is dangerous. It teaches our brain to focus less on one thing. So when we NEED to do that, it doesn't know how and craves for 3 other things to do while you try to get that ONE thing done. Yucky.
I swear I'm a good person though and some day soon I'll be back on top and apologizing and thanking the people who helped me along the way. Some day, but that day is not today.
It's not where you are, it's where you're going to be.
- Pat