In the back of a station wagon. In the jump seat. This is where I sit when we go anywhere as a band. I get in through the back hatch. I can lie down and sleep if I can bring myself to. I hear conversation but there's too much air between me and the two up front and road noise to hear.
Most days my phone's dead at the end of a gig.it was charged when we left and I shut it down. So I'm reflecting. I'm glad I don't have to talk about the gig. Most nights I feel something went wrong even if the crowd tells us otherwise. I didn't make any major mistakes or miss any cues, I just feel off. I have impossible standards for myself. I'm never good enough.
That's not entirely true. (Oh boy here he goes contradicting himself again) I pride myself being the best fucking drummer in the room. I am not ashamed of that. Other bands are killer and I live listening. But there's a moment after a few where I go, "yep, still the best in the room." We might not play the spectrum of things I'm capable of, but nobody is doing anything to make me go, Oh shit! You know? There are only two I've seen recently, but I digress.
So there's that ego there. But it needs to be for the music. I don't claim I'm the best drummer. I'm not even close. I suck. But when I'm there in the venue on a gig night watching the other groups play, and I'm chomping at the bit to play, that ego has to be there. But you have to be able yo back it up. Which is why I'm so rough on my esteem and self when I screw up or don't perform as well as is hoped. The energy I WANTED wasn't present.
The one thing I am however, despite feeling poorly or good about a performance, is not so much the execution, but the ACTUAL performance. The look of it. We have few stops in between songs. It's a marathon in every way but the literal sense. It's 35-40 min of up to eleven, balls to the wall mayhem. Snare rolls in abundance, fast, slow, meticulous execution throughout the entire show. Cues NEED to be nailed. We play punk, pop, funk, hip hop, classical and everything in between. All with transitions. Hard stops and all that jazz.
No matter how hard and much we practice, the gig is always rough. We play much faster from adrenaline. It's intense. So take that 40 min and the fast intense songs even faster. Yea, try THAT fucking roll at THAT tempo. Try wailing away at the hi-hat with precision at that even FASTER speed. fuck. My point is, I'm working for every crash and fill and roll after the 3rd song. I'm really climbing and pushing and cringing and seriously fucking working to get it all and sound it good.
Some people watch because they want to see me pass out. I'm entertaining to watch. I AM about to pass out. I probably will some day soon. But either way if I don't feel I'm on, I'm going to promise you I'll be leaving everything, every part of me up on that stage. Because that's what it's all lead up to. This is my week, in a night. It's shady I looked forward to. So yes when I screw it or don't feel on I'm hard on myself. I feel I fucked up the one thing I had to do all week. Not even so much fuck it up, but because it didn't feel as good as it should have. It wasn't as satisfying. It happens
But I can promise I'll be leaving it all up there out of love or frustration or both no matter what. I's all I have.
