I was at a wedding this month. The first one of the season. I film cinematic wedding films for a living at the moment. Part of my job most times as second shooter are to film the groom getting ready before the ceremony and before he sees his beautiful bride come down the aisle.
This particular wedding I was apprehensive. I was a bit nervous as usual, being the first wedding of the season. No matter how early the first one is in the year, I still feel out of practice and want to do my best, so it's always a relief when the wedding party, couple, and venue staff are pleasant to work with.
During groom prep I was moving around seeing what else I could film as I had shot quite a bit of footage as I had been early. As I stood there, monopod in hand with my camera attached to it, I overheard a conversation. I'm not sure how it started, but a few groomsmen were standing next to me talking about travelling. I learned later they were all in their mid-30's as the groom was a bit older than the bride. One said something interesting. "If I was in my 20's again I'd buy and RV and travel the country." They continued to reminisce and dream lightly on travelling had they been younger. I don't think the conversation lasted long, and I believe it stemmed rather from someone was buying an RV. But I remember specifically that someone said "Oh yea, if I could do my 20's again I'd sell my things, buy an RV and travel the country in a heartbeat, that's what I'd do." It was almost as if he was reminiscing about something he never did. But in a way like a group of people sitting around doing nothing talk about what they'd do if they won the lottery. But at this point, it seems whoever this was, had settled down now and it was too late to chase that dream.
I had to smile to myself in that moment. It was so odd that I would hear this exact conversation, it was too surreal. Because for 3 months now, that is what I have been planning on doing.
This winter for me has been eye-opening as well as difficult on many fronts. Although since the fall of 2013, every winter has been. But these particular last 4 months have been particularly strange. When I was a kid, I knew what I wanted to do. My mother told me she envied me because I was one of the few kids my age who had a dream and was chasing it. She encouraged me. She told me some people into their 40's still don't find what it is they're meant to do, and some don't find it at all. But I knew. So she encouraged me and enabled me in the few ways she could. When I got to High School, I opened up about it a little more, not much, but a little. Enough so the right people found out and enabled me some more.
I wasn't an outstanding student in traditional academia. I wasn't horrible, but I got by. My brain wouldn't allow it. In high school I did enough to pass with C's or above most of the time. Math perhaps lower at times. Some years A's and B's but only because the material was too easy. There were times I truly wanted to do better, but my head wouldn't let me. I used it for my dreams instead. I worked smarter not harder. I copied homework in the mornings and even got a hold of a graded test one day before I took the same one. Perhaps it's a focus issue I need treated, I still have trouble with it today. But I spent most of the time I wasn't paying attention, day dreaming. I spent my spare time after school on film and even during school in class thinking about it and writing things in back of notebooks. Ideas, stories, shot lists, scripts, everything. I would flip to the back to make it look like I was talking notes and nobody asked questions.
In my days in college, where I thought it'd finally take off for me, it fell apart. I was beat down by life during and afterwards. Friends old and new came and went and came fewer and further between as time moved on. As I thought things wouldn't get any worse they did. I slumped to new lows and even though I feel like I'm in one of those times now, I can look back and see it was a "character building" experience to say the least.
But this past winter was it. Everything that I had worked towards was falling apart, showing me no real foundation anymore. I thought I had it all figured out. But I feel life is telling me to move on. I can't seem to sit in front of my computer any longer for hours on end to edit wedding films. I literally cannot force myself to do it anymore as hard I try. I love it, but my brain can't do it anymore. It fights it. The trust and security I once thought I had in my job was tested to it's greatest lengths and it lost. Every cent I made I was conditioned to put towards living on my own and filling my space with accomplishments. Guitars, amps, cameras, tripods and computers and a beautiful workspace, my favorite paintings on the walls, a comfortable big bed I can stretch out on, a great sound system with records to play. Pianos and drums and cables and microphones. To me not material, but necessities to further my real goals towards contentment and being able to truly express myself. But I struggle to find happiness wherever I am, no matter where I move or what I don't have yet.
All this insecurity coming upon me, accompanied with a great sense of loneliness, made me realize I have nothing holding me down here. In my life there have been two constants. I have always wanted to create films in some form, and I have always wanted to play music. I truly wanted to become a director one day or at the least an editor. I was always a better editor. It was more my style. I didn't think I had the assertiveness to direct in a feature format. I wanted to be in the film industry more than anything. But I was never so sure how to pursue it properly. With this, I took music just as seriously and there were many crossroads in my life where I was told to choose between the two, and I managed to hang on desperately to both and maintain both with equal measure and importance. But I knew if one took off, I wouldn't have the time to do both professionally. Deep down I wanted film as my life meaning. I want to reach as many people with my message and make people happy. I want to be recognized yes, but if I can make a million people smile or cry and feel a sense of joy from something I've done, then I would be truly happy. Film to me, is the easiest format to do this in. So I figured film would be it, and music would be the hobby.
But music always came easier, more natural. I fought hard for film and I felt misplaced and odd, but music came like an extension of myself. I could always make people feel more behind the drum kit or guitar or piano then I ever had filming anything. So I feel like life is pushing me.
Perhaps I'm wrong, but there's no shame in finding out. I've always maintained it's better to go for something and fail or find out you were wrong, then to not and always wonder why. So a opportunity has presented itself. Rather a space for one. An opportunity I am making to fit in this space. I am dropping every part of what I know here. My job, my apartment, New England, my family and most of my belongings.
I am going to buy an RV and move to Los Angeles.