Oh Shiloh

Fuckin a this song. it's so hard picking the record or this version. The record gives me the feels right off the bat. The live gig below, halfway through when the band goes full tilt and fucking gives it to em like it was there last ever fucking gig ever on the planet. Wait for Molina's a capella bit in the middle and breakdown and build. They fucking let. go. 

 it's about a fellow musician friend who died unexpectedly in a fire in his apartment. "my ghost in flames on the desert road." "I weep for it all, and I weep for nothing at all" fuck you man. fuck you. 

not enough

I wondered for a moment why the fuck i am not as drunk as last night, but soon realized i ate a bunch at dinner and killed it all. Killed it. 

             I am sad as my cranberry juice is out and it's 1 a.m. No use now. There is so much I need to say. But not enough will or time. I got em all fooled. 

Songs of Molina's worth more than my life in spades times 71:

Oh Shiloh, Just Be Simple, Hold on Magnolia, Riding with the Ghost, What comes after the blues, Ringing the bell, Hammer down, NORTH STAR, LEAVING THE CITY (Trials/Errors version right now) Don't this look like the dark, the dark don't hide it, whip-poor-will, don't fade on me, rock of ages (Josephine OR It's Made me Cry version), Texas 71, Blue Factory Flame, Lioness... the list goes on.

     That is ONLY the ones off the top of my head I have discovered as of this date. and mind you, those are the ones i could die a sane man with on repeat until i perish of hunger. His whole discography front to back is fucking magic. Fucking magic. I could listen to early molina, later molina, solo, songs: ohia, Magnolia and whatever else. I'm going to see his fucking band play without him on the 24th. It's the only thing got me going. That and the Chris book. I hope it's out fuggin soon. I am going nuts not being able to read anything. 

turn this up to 11... 

nobody

I am nobody. Fun fact. I am nothing and leaving nothing left behind. 

    What a heavy song.

    This song should make me cry. Perhaps some day it will. 

the edge

i am closer now! this is getting interesting!

          I am contemplating now what's more important or expensive etc. I suppose I know the answer though, so it's more a decision. Do I buy an RV or a gun? Obviously a gun is less expensive. i live in NH (technically) so buying one would be peanuts. Buy one, find a nice spot that won't ruin anybody's day and... Or buy an RV and fucking leave everything. 

              I'll have to get my ducks in a row either way. I have a lot of shit in storage units i gotta toss. Lots of loose ends. Thankfully it's all possessions i can toss in the end. It's not people i have to explain to. nobody i'm tied to at this point. friends, family, significant others, strangers i have to encounter in order to keep living is about the extent of it. That or a gun, a gun is easier. The more 151 i have, the more intrigued i am. 

          i suppose i should probably see the country before anything drastic happens. Self inflicted anyway. Preferably i'd die in a car fire (RV fire/engine fire but car fire sounds more poetic) on the way west, but luck was never on my side. Hope is, but not luck. I had had just enough to keep me going here and there, putting along like a dribble of gasoline when you've run bare bones dry, but no longer. Luck would be: hey i've run out, but outside a station. Or I ran out, and I have a can of gas in the trunk. or I ran out, and some asshole stops to give me theirs. Luck was never on my side.

      Never was, still isn't. I don't want it. Fuck luck. i have my waning perseverance.. 

drive/fade

My mom went out after work to party with coworkers who were celebrating a friend who was retiring. I had to go with my stepdad to pick her up as she drove to the restaurant. Little did they know I'd already had most of my first helping of 151 and I was most likely more drunk than my mother. Fun fact.

what have I done?

I've fucked it all up. the only good thing left is gone and now i'm done for. No really. Not in a sad sack like, ohhhh boohoo way, but in a, holy shit nothing is good in this place except THAT, and now THAT is done for. It's official. I gave it all away and nothing to show. Bam, well done. It has never been this bad and the one thing to hold on to, which hasn't been there for months now, but i held on hope, is now gone. Boom.

        i'm into my second cup of mix. I don't know how much 151 i've imbibed, this email is getting written shortly. I wrote these lyrics again today, long ago, but came up again today, "I'm not a success I'm a one night stand." etc etc. it's only one line, but it fits in well with many other things or in any kind of song. 

Nothing and Netflix

Not much makes me laugh anymore. Myself I suppose. but that is to be that guy in the break room. To break it up, pun intended. 

UPDATE: Well it turns out the guys I used to work with back in 2013 (2011-2013) Who lent me their netflix password changed it, 4 years on. Holy shit. Right when House of Cards put out the new season. If things aren't bleak already, they sure got much more so. I deserve nothing and nobody deserves me.

Here's how I feel about a town about 2 hours south of here. A capital of a state: 

Holy shit

So many things to write here. So many many things. I've had "Trials / Errors on heavy rotation. I mean HEAVY. Magnolia Electric Co. live record from 05. Front to back three times in one day at work. A few more for a walk after work one day this week. Yes. It's true. It's fucking amazing. I want to orgasm all over it. No, it IS an orgasm. 

         So first I'll post a song from there, probably over the next ensuing posts from that album. It's tough to pick, as the whole record is magical. I fucking love Jason Molina. He is not only one original son of a bitch and kept it real throughout his whole life up to the end, his music embodies how I feel nowadays. A beautiful coincidental colliding of the right feelings, (or wrong) with the right music. the PERFECT music and writing and lyrics and production and everything. I finished his book in 3 days. Clear front to back. 

       Here's North Star from there. Fun fact, this album mostly consists of songs that weren't even on albums yet. The band was still working the songs out. You can tell in the intro to this particular one.

work the future

I'm going to get fucked tonight and email my "boss" from the video nonsense I did for 4 fucking years with him and tell him to fuck himself for these THREE 3 3 3 dates he gave me for the whole fucking season. Fuck him. It's too late. 3rd time's a charm i guess. getting fucked in the ass three times is the magic number. my bum hurts. let it go. stop the hurt. stop the pain. 

          This wasn't really appropriate for a blog post, but I figured I needed to post something here. The rest of the night might (or might not) be on the Verbal Vomit (i've discovered the importance and pretentiousnesly comedic aspect of italics) page. Check check check check it out over there.

         Anyway, I no longer have the 7D anymore, so my fate is set in stone. 

writing

I can't find the will to write today. So i'm writing about that. I finished my molina book today. It's sad because i now know his end and the details. But even more so I'm sad I no longer have a book or person to read about. i need a new one.

         Such a sad state of affairs.

Sirius

As Molina is on Sirius, others are on networks crying into their 3 chords about their beer and women. What has this world collectively come to?

Provided to YouTube by BWSCD, Inc. North Star · Magnolia Electric Co. Trials & Errors ℗ 2005 Secretly Canadian Released on: 2005-01-18 Auto-generated by YouTube.

book

fuck facebook. Those pretentious cocks. 

       When you delete or deactivate your account they show you pictures of "friend's" profiles and say, "Ben will miss you!" "Franklin will miss you!" FUCK ben and FUCK franklin. They are NOT my friends. They clicked a damn button connecting their profile with me. I had 78 "friends" No. I have 2. The rest are acquaintances or people I don't speak to. Fuck them for guilt tripping. 

         I took myself out in that respect. Another one bites the dust. First Instagram now Facebook. Those clever fuckers all created a "deactive > delete option and preference. It's much easier to deactivate. So if you decide to come back, everything will be intact. Those asshats. Find me if you dare.