no one cares!

It should be a good thing. Sometimes it’s not, sometimes it is.

My point is, no one cares! No one cares about you and no one cares about what you’re doing, put out, say, all that. This isn’t cohesive or making sense perhaps, but I’m saying not one single person cares, so do it! Put it out, just write what you’re going to write, put down what you’re putting down. Record it, write it, release it, don’t expect the accolades, but still release it. So many people refuse or are discouraged and don’t release things because they’re so hung up on “but no one’s watching.” Who the hell cares? No one’s reading this, but here I am. Perhaps it’s ego, but artists require a bit of it to put things out anyway. It’s part of it. Sometimes I’m inspired by the sheer act of releasing something into the world, rarely now for whatever reason. But my point is PUT IT OUT. Whatever it is. Release it. Life’s too short. As cliche as it is, it’s a cliche for a reason.

Impostor Syndrome

I’m constantly under this feeling. Most things I do I downplay or self deprecate because I’m too humble and don’t think the things I do are worth much even when they’re pretty cool or special or unique. A few terrible books, album releases, demos and songs I put up, covers I put out, things like that. There’s too much crap out there, too many people muddying up the internet and our various feeds with stupid ‘memes’ with sarcastic and overly obvious meanings of stances we ALREADY agree with, usually of the political ilk. No one cares, we all agree. Few people are ‘friends’ online with those they disagree with.

Honestly do we post anything else? Instagram is filled with, “Look how cool I am!” Facebook is filled with, “Isn’t this funny!” and although I have Twitter, I’m not on it enough. Although it’s quickly becoming the most enticing for the intellectual in me. Why? It requires READING. You have to read. People have to TYPE things, preferably a cohesive and complete sentence. Perhaps though, I don’t advertise myself because in addition to perhaps being a bit too humble, I revel at the idea that one day someone might stumble upon some of this and realize there’s a treasure trove of all this undiscovered art I’ve put out. That being said, there’s a solid possibility that may never happen. Saying it in itself is egotistical, it’s unlikely as well. There’s a good possibility no one cares and it’s trash anyway! Nonetheless, I will keep creating and fighting with this impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome over this podcast, short stories, books, work, film, photos, music, records, musical abilities, you name it. Everything.

The Weekend

I am left to my own devices Saturday night and some of Sunday! Oh lord. What will be done? What will get done? Probably not much, I do want to finish a few things however. Whatever that means to anyone here.

Writing this I’ve realized, I used to be useful here. I used to post meaningful philosophical ramblings or depressing spilling of guts. Recently it’s all been trite and useless documenting. Ah well, I can’t be moved to write something I think is half-decent all the time. I do plan on perhaps getting a few songs out though. It’s been a while since I’ve recorded anything. That was on purpose of course, but I just haven’t felt inspired or creative in that way recently. It’s all a cycle though. I need a break from that part of me for other creative outlets. I have however been writing more recently, today especially. The last two months, not at a clip as I used to, but infrequently enough to keep myself sane. But I’ve learned slowly over the last few years that it’s normal. It’s just a cycle that is taking its course. Eventually I’ll get pissed off or get drunk and write some more.

I want to get a decent podcast episode recorded and out over the weekend as well. I have one in the can waiting to be edited and posted, so I can get to that, and record another. I think I have a camera waiting for me in the mail. I hope that’s what it is. I should think about shooting some more super 8. I have tons of Black & White rolls for my half-frame. I want to buy a piano to play, I need an interface, I need a new acoustic, I need more rolls of super 8 and 16mm. I need so much crap. Do I though? I want it all for the weekend, but none of it is happening. I shouldn’t spend the money either. I should wait, wait, wait, WAIT! I never wait. It’s all NOW NOW NOW. There’s so MUCH though! guitar stuff, drum stuff. Oh god it’s all too much. I have my hat in too many rings and they’re all crying for my attention.

I’ll come out on the other end either way.

Podcast

So I’ve got 4 episodes live so far. Not that I should be using quantity as a marker for success, but I’ve done it! It’s in it’s infancy stage, but the back end legwork for getting it off the ground is done! The hardest part was waiting for it to be approved by Spotify and the other host sites. Process and posting wise the toughest is keeping on track and creating show notes and keeping things moving. Show prep basically is what I’m saying is the hard part, but it’s also what makes shows interesting.

But it’s up! I’m looking to refine it for sure, it’s primitive right now, quite. I need intro music and separate segments to break up the droning. But WIP work in progress. Here we go! Super Super 8 Podcast.

Human Curiosity

Human curiosity, it’s all around us and surrounds us.

Recently, very recently in fact, a coworker got into a horrible car accident. We don’t work directly with each other, but her department works directly with ours and she sits a pencil-toss away from me. I see and talk with her department all the time. I know who she is. She keeps to herself and is quite quirky, but kind as far as I know nonetheless.

However, this whole incident, so far (it’s only Monday and we found out Friday) has been shrouded in mystery and a few odd pieces that really stick out like a sore thumb in the shady department. It’s human curiosity.

Podcast update - 180° 0- Super Super 8

The Super Super 8 podcast. It’s a thing. I’ve started it, it’s out, it’s up and live anywhere you listen to podcasts. Google podcasts, spotify, apple podcasts? And other random places.

It’s about all things film. Like FILM film. Analog rather than digital. It’s primarily about the film renaissance and more specifically, super 8 and all things motion picture/ movie film. BOOM. I’ve got a few episodes up, and a few in the can waiting for edit/upload and a few future episode ideas on deck.

Why? Simply because it’s easy and simple and I can do it myself. It’s still frightening to me, but it’s easier than my previous idea. I might still have the other one for music, but it seemed too daunting to me and it didn’t seem sustainable to me. It would always be more of me alone, griping. I don’t have my finger on the pulse of the music scene, or local music scene. The things I am exposed to, I’m not interested in. Hardcore screamo and metal, noise-core? I don’t know what’s happening. It’s all viable, but it’s not something I care to work at. Venues around me are closing literally as I write this. It’s crazy.

I’m much more interested right now in the film community and everything associated with it. Stores, resources, other podcasts, techniques, equipment, all of that stuff added with my own experiences and failures and endeavors. I find it easier to talk about even though I’m just starting it off. I primarily started it because in the resurgence of film in all it’s forms over the past few years I noticed a gap in podcasts dedicated to consumer/ prosumer motion picture film, IE 16mm and Super 8 in all it’s forms. I also talk about still photography, as I shoot more of it than anything as it’s cheaper, but I’m gearing up towards shoot more movie film. It’s more expensive, much more actually but that’s the breaks and this fact makes for more content to talk about.

If you’re one of the few who read this blog, here’s a link to the podcast on a few platforms:

anchor: https://anchor.fm/super-super-8
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6Ey6pxUnmB7Ldivt5sUXl0

They’re not too too long and I try to cut out pauses, ‘ums, ‘uh’s’ and useless ramblings. I look forward to sharing it all and growing the community and providing useful info and meaningful content with it. Hope you enjoy.

HANDSY

Don’t put your hands on me!

I don’t understand why people think it’s okay to touch me in public! Coworkers primarily. When someone’s telling me something or sympathizing or whatever it is, they put their hand on your shoulder or pat you on the back. Hell, even invading personal space or sneaking up behind me and looking at what I’m doing well before they announce themselves. Ugh.

What in their head says, “This is alright!” A lot of people don’t enjoy being touched by strangers or acquaintances. DON’T DO THAT. Oi vay.

All the things!

How does one split their time? I’m all over the place. I want to do so many things to their fullest extent, but in trying to do so, I half-finish all of them, or worse they all end up half baked. I want to podcast on a particular subject. I want to shoot film and become proficient at film photography and motion picture etc. I want to write more, I want to become a session musician, I want to be in several groups, I want to play out in the area, I want to become a more proficient guitarist, I want to buy more gear regarding ALL of this. I want to read more. I want to go back to school and I want to be able to focus more. How does one focus? Perhaps I’ve got some attention deficient, I believe I might.

I can’t focus on something for very long without checking my phone, buying something online, remembering something, forgetting 3 things I’m supposed to be doing, wanting to listen to an informative podcast while I do said thing, reading an article, think about another podcast I discover, watching a video tutorial, going back to the original podcast, writing, thinking about a song I want to learn or listen to, shopping for my next piece of gear. I can’t focus on one god damned thing in order to be proficient at anything. This is what’s happening right now. How does one become good at anything if they want to do more than one thing! To top it off I’m not much of a boyfriend while I’m spending my time trying to do these things. So that in itself is a worrying prospect. What’s it all matter if I’m being terrible to someone? So there’s that.

I’ve been trying to be more ‘mindful’ lately, but it’s only interrupting my current side-track and quickly fades. For instance, I’m writing about this right now, when 1. I should be working. 2. I should be listening to a podcast that’s currently playing in my phones but I’m not paying attention because I’m writing. So I’m a walking contradiction. Sitting, in this case. I’m also not passionate about what I do for a paycheck, but it’s cushy and it’s a paycheck. So that hinders quite a bit.

There’s so much I want to do and by the time I get home, to yet again stare at a screen after I’ve been doing so for 8 hours, I try to focus on my personal excursions and goals, and time flies. There never seems to be enough time at night. Before I know it, it’s 9 p.m. and I hate my job even more as it’s getting in the way of my passions. Five hours at night isn’t near enough time to get anything productive done. I’m playing records, drinking, troubleshooting something, cleaning and by the time I’ve gotten anything done it’s the end of the night and I have to do it all over again.

What’s a person to do?

Broken records

So, where’s this going? I’m not quite sure. There’s been a lot of failure lately.

I’m really trying to figure out where my life’s going nowadays because I’m no longer sure. Leading up to last year, I was using the survival excuse. I was in a place where eating and sleeping and housing myself and making money weren’t a sure thing. So my excuse was that I was busy running and surviving for four or five years. Now I have no excuse. I’m not entirely sure what the reasons are now. I’ve spread out too much and not enough all at the same time.

I’m trying to create a film scanning workflow and I’ve spent far too long on it and slowly realizing I’m wasting all my nights trying and trying. I took a chance on a purchase of several untested scanners. After weeks of trying night after night, I gave in and bought one that should’ve worked. It has up until last night where I think this scanner has failed. I’ve spent so much time trying, trial and error and failing and failing. What a waste. I was just about to perfect the process last night when I discovered and believe the scanner has failed. Something’s wrong internally.

Perhaps it’s trite or silly to sulk about. But I feel like the things I’m passionate about I just fail and fail and look at the clock and my night is gone and it’s time to sleep. I’ve wasted my entire night getting nowhere. Is it even worth it? I’ve now made two useless purchases. Instances like this are rampant through my life. I’m not sure anymore of anything. I’m positive I’ve even made the same exact post over and over. But I have no willingness to go back and read them right now to realize I’m a broken record. Yuck.

But! I’m still here, I have a roof over my head, food to eat and I’m still waking up. Things’ll change.

35mm

I’ve submitted my entire backlog of film. 9 rolls. Mostly consisting of the last 6 months or so, but two or so still from years past I’d yet to develop. I can’t wait. What will come out as shit? Probably a lot, I hope not. But I’ve done it, all I can do is wait. I believe one of the rolls was my initial test roll for the camera I’ve shot a ton of rolls on since! Yikes. To think of all those rolls wasted. All those events and gatherings and moments, lost because of a faulty camera I had no idea I was using yet.

It’s almost as fun taking the photo not knowing if it’ll even come out than it is capturing the moment on film. Woo! Nobody else shares this humorous thought process, but that in itself makes it that much more enjoyable.

Exciting times!

Imagine

How many lives I’ve wish I’ve lived. I can’t help but think about the lives I could’ve lived. The one’s I’ll never live. If I had made one decision differently.

But I think this is all an excuse to do the things that scare the shit out of me.

I look on (A poem)

And as you tap dance across the floor,

in your ever new dresses and fine-tipped heels.

I will be sitting at the table with myself,

Wishing I had more of my beer.

With my thoughts alone, spinning wheels.

You will tire eventually,

Worn down by your constant successes,

and have to come sit down,

next to me.