Finally

I was finally able to sneak some beer in. Shandy's that is. Only 2 as they're up watching the game in the 'Den' and judgement will fall on me if it's known I'm down here with a bottle or 8 to my face alone. But two for the time being is better than drinking this rum straight. All out of Juice and it's 151. That's 75.5 proof. You may as well drink straight rubbing alcohol at that point. I tried a shot straight once. I choked for the next ten minutes and my throat was burned. Perhaps that's why I can't falsetto like I used to.

        Pro tip: Inhale before a shot then exhale post-shot.

Your welcome. 

wait and look

i haven't started drinking yet tonight. Just you wait. Pay attention to the time stamps on my postings. You'll find what you find and what you'll find, is that nothing decent or worth a shit comes out until i've had something in me a while. 

      It comes, but labored and forced if i'm sober. Not to say i need to have a drink to function. I don't need it. But right now, it's either feel pain or drink and get fucking creative. Pain surrounds me these days. I'm not in for the dramatics here, but what i'm saying is my use of alcohol helps me. It will get me through this. People will too, but are few and far between. 

       When I feel pain, I can handle it. It comes out in all kinds of ways though. Sometimes through music. But right now I need to do more living than writing song. Right now they are all, and will all be what i call "cry-baby songs." I need to write 60 of them to get one decent tune. Every one I write takes a piece out. Which most days is OK. It's tolerable and i can wade through it because other aspects of my life are intact. Right now, no aspect is intact. So by writing off the cuff, and sober, any line comes hard and my mind goes there and i go crazy. Plus, i end up drinking anyway. 

         By drinking, my inhibitions go away, as with anyone usually. But for me, it not only helps me with the pain, but it allows me to hone it down, whittle the pain to it's essence. I dig deeper and deeper into myself and it becomes more clear what I want in life. The truth is told, no matter how large of a pill it is to swallow. Instead of frustration, i see past it. Beer and rum help me write it down, song or thought. So when i wake up in the morning I read it and go "holy shit that's intense." But it allows me to see clearly. Does that make sense? Creatively, I am at my peak. At least right now I am. Where my life is at the moment, drinking allows me to go deep. Because if I tried going anywhere beyond the surface sober, I would surely implode, combust, die. 

     But drunk... I can do anything. I can call on the gods, I can express my thoughts on death. I can explore my own mortality. I can dig as far and deep and wide or as acutely as I want. I can talk candidly about one subject that bothers me that is tucked away in the daylight. I can write without concern and express my darkest fears without letting doubt get in the way. It destroys all roadblocks to those more important things. 

 

     It's coming again tonight, just you wait. 

The greatest email

In November 2016 I began a job working at Icon Broadcast in Hudson, NH. It was ok at first...

   Until I realized I was lied to. I was promised upward mobility when in fact it was quite the opposite. A small company consisting of 8-10 twenty-somethings, some of which were clearly un-hireable otherwise. Slave labor. A very small company that employed and preyed on those who were looking for work in the area to run them ragged at 50 hours a week and reap the rewards themselves. It was only the owner/overseer, and the supervisor. The super was amazing at his job. he knew what he was doing. If they could clone him 5 times and not hire anybody else they would have. The super was a 15yr old in a 50yr old body. The company was so small having only two "higher-ups", that they could do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. They treated us like cattle who were worthless and expendable. I was assaulted there by the super. (I dislike that term but technically, that is what it is. I was fed up after 3 months of crap from this man who conived his way to bed every night that I left one friday and followed with the greatest email i have ever written to the owner and never went back. Enjoy.

 

Hi Ian, 

 

      I'm emailing to tell you I won't be coming back to Icon. 

 

              Among the many reasons, one in particular is that, over the last few weeks it has become increasingly impossible to work with Jeff. His passive-aggressiveness gets the best of him, he creates problems that don't exist, which he then instigates creating more issues. His sense of rumor-spreading and gossiping is unparalleled and he is subject to frequent power trips and playing favoritism when it comes to the work or work-related matters. 

 

      But one incident in particular is why I'm spending the time to write. Tuesday afternoon as I worked on the trough, a rope was wrapped around my neck and yanked on. I knew someone was walking by and my immediate thought was that I might've gotten caught in something someone was carrying and I might be in serious trouble as it was pulled quite hard, and enough to think I was caught. We do deal in lots of wire. The rope (which is when I discovered it was rope and not wire) was released, and instead of finding someone walking by, I found my Supervisor with a small piece of rope in his hands, who thought it'd be funny. He never apologized or joked, nor did he even acknowledge the situation or that it had happened. He briefly spoke about the pages we were on I believe, I was in shock that nothing was said, and he walked away. 

 

       I learned later I was not the only one he did this too. I was not sure how to handle the situation which is why it was never mentioned and I don't intend to pursue the matter further other than to inform you that it happened. After a short while at Icon, it was common for Jeff and others, me included to crack jokes and enjoy ourselves. But the last few weeks I've learned that Jeff likes to include himself in other people's business and gossip about employee's personal lives in the form of buddy-to-buddy talks, then uses that information against us when we are under performing in his eyes. Learning this, I have distanced myself and choose not to enable this behavior which I believe is one of the reasons he dislikes me now. Without naming names, I also associate with a few other employees which he treats with lesser enthusiasm, and therefor has given me similar treatment. The joking has stopped and an extreme sense of passive-aggressiveness towards me has set in more as each day passes. So when this incident happened, it was very much an exercise of power than a joke.  

 

     I consider myself a very tolerant and easy going person. I find I've gotten along with everyone I've worked with at Icon and I've tried doing my best when given a task and correcting any mistakes I've made with respect to you and Jeff. Even Jeff's antics at times are understandable, but difficult, unnecessary and time wasting.  But one thing I will not tolerate which I also take personally is being bullied and treated like anything less than a human. Work is the last place anyone should be experiencing that. In no way should a supervisor put his hands on an employee that way or even think about it, nor should they think the employee would stand for it for even a second. It doesn't bother me so much what he's done, but more so that he thought it was ok and that I would tolerate it. I'm not a sensitive person, but this incident was the last proverbial straw that broke the camels back among many accumulated issues. 

 

            All that being said. I planned on quietly finishing my 50 hours this week and sending this email over the weekend. But recent developments concerning my employment at Icon in regards to my performance (more Jeff rumors/hearsay) have shown me that I believe he's doing all he can to scare me, because after Tuesday's incident, I've had not a sliver of patience for him and he's become extremely passive-aggressive the last two work days towards me, not giving me much direction or wanting to answer my questions which has been frustrating. Jeff threatens action about reprimanding someone and speaks to everyone else instead of the one person who should know. If there was an issue with my work, he could have approached me about it. He chooses not to. This is one example of many regarding this ritual of his. I think it's in both of our best interests that I do not come back or work a 2 weeks notice situation for obvious reasons. 

 

         I'm sorry it has come to this and I enjoyed working for you and the Icon crew. 

 

   Thanks for your time,

   - Pat Lynch

Piano couch

I'm satisfyingly lubricated and I'm sleeping early now still on this couch, facing a piano, thinking about you.

             Yes, you.

find me

i hope when you find this, whoever you are. You appreciate it. Don't take it at face value, look deeper. See that this is a rare glimpse into someone's head. A peek between the shades to someone who may or may not be losing their marbles. i don't know, that's for you to decide. Perhaps I'm sad, perhaps i'm bored. Perhaps I'm fucked. 

        Don't just say, "jesus pat, you're fucked." Say, "Jesus Pat, you really are laying it out there." It's not for you, it's for me. Judge me if you must, but think about your own sad life first, before mine. Only then, should you come back and tell me what you feel about this. I'm open to your thoughts. I need a friend. 

Talk to me. 

 

work

I've had 6 hours of sleep the last two nights. And I've had some pretty taxing days. Busting my culo (ass) off all day, then band practice for 3 hours attempting to drum my culo (ass) off more going on little sleep is like what the fuck. I am now drinking and the 12 hours over the last 72 hours of work and being awake are now catching up. I feel like a dream in the worst way. Also, i'm drinking. Did I mention that? yes. I discovered a place that still sells 151 proof alcohol. Rum to be exact. 

       Fuck the gods. They hate me. You hate me. I hate me. Love me. 

    Someone's got to.

my twentieth birthday

The weekend prior to my twentieth birthday, I went back home to see my parents. My mother and stepdad had bought a cake and cards etc and planned on giving me a small birthday celebration (singing happy birthday) that weekend. The weekend came and went and they left me alone in the house on Sunday as I arrived upstairs with a note to the affect of "Your cake and cards are on the table." 

       I was so depressed by the fact that I was to travel back to college that day without a proper "hey happy birthday kid" or whatever, and that I was just left to my own devices with it all, that I turned my camera on. The cake was on the kitchen table complete with a "2" and "0" candle. Wow. I set my camera up, complete with cat, and depressingly filmed myself lighting the two candles myself, singing happy birthday to myself, with animals in tow, blew them out and ate the cake. I even opened my two cards which, although appreciated, contained a check each... from the same account. It was very much my mother and stepdad at the time. They did, and still are very much living in their own world. I cannot complain now as she has done a lot for me throughout my life and since. But watching that video after 5 years and realizing they left me to it like that nearly brought a tear to my eye. 

         Despite the sad nature, it is comical at times and I am light-natured about it at times in the video. If you care to see it (comedy = tradgey + time) get in touch and bug me and I will gladly show you. 

     Thank god for Daisy. 

this guy

i saw this guy mowing laws last week. i nearly cut him. he hopped a bit and i let go and quietly walked over to him. he did not move. crouching like this in defense mode i think. I snapped a few and then approached him/her. (he for this).

        He let me right up to him and i touched him. I got to touch him. he scurried off across the way but hung around. he lives in the area. I'll make sure to mail him some nibbles when i have the cash. It made my day that day. His name is now nuggles and he fears no man.

molina

Jason Molina. Songs: Ohia, Magnolia Electic Co. whichever, they're all one in the same. He's amazing. the lyrics are to die for. literally. the man is a genius and has made me feel things i've never felt ever before with anyone else. listening or anything ever ever. 

      i only have access to the "Songs Ohia: Electric Magnolia Co." album from 2003. there are so many more i don't have. i need them for the car. if anyone cares to buy them for me and mail them that'd be greatly appreciated and you can proudly wear the badge that claims you prolonged my life another day or week. i guarantee it. 

reach out via the contact sheet and i can send my address.

Molina died alone.