I deprive myself of the best songs, movies, and food because when I do experience them again it's like the first time again.
I had not listened to this in a while, and today it hit me like a ton of bricks...
Failed
Pity parade alert.
I am a failure. I have failed at most things in my life and not where I want to be at all. And I've failed everyone in my life and not at some point or another and failed myself.
Recent developments that have been impending and inevitable have finally caught up to me. It was only a matter of time.
Tonight, I will drink, practice, drink some more. Hopefully wake upfor work.
Tomorrow, I'll stop doing that, thinking it too, to get me through another shit show event, but tonight, I am a failure.
Back seat
If I ever lose my back seat or guitar I don't think I'll make it.
Morning
5:45 is too early to be up. The only reasons you should be up before 7 are as follows:
- vacation
-kids
- fire
- vomiting
- runs (if you're into it that early)
- someone died
- Christmas
No luck
Some people have all the luck, some people can't catch a break and some are just floating.
Me? I am floating, I can't catch a break, and although I think I have no luck, I think I just have all the luck with shit situations. I'm not dead, or been seriously maimed, and haven't been arrested or gotten in trouble with the law yet.
Nearly hurt, killed, arrested, and I always find a quarter in the car when I need it. So in that way, I have all the luck.
7.
When I lyft, I like to present myself fairly well, I don't treat it merely as if you're in my car, I want to maintain a clan presentation. I vacuum and clean out my car. (Aside from the trunk) there is little on the passenger seat, perhaps a book or sweatshirt at times. But rarely will someone sit up front unless there are 3-4 people coming. I wear nice clothes most times and offer to load luggage if they have it. I wash the exterior and make sure everything is in working order.
One particular day I spent the time finding a place with free vacuums. This was a rare occurrence, but I found one. I spent extra care this time as I had no time limit. Under seats, in between, sucking up every single chunk of dust, debris, hair, trash and wrapper. My car, was spotless. I got in, turned on the app, and immediately got a hit within the time it took to pull out onto the street. It was about 15 minutes away, but I was ready. Usually the further out, the longer the ride. I was game.
I pulled into a pretty dead street. Not many streetlights, little traffic, a typical suburban road. As I pull up, what seems like a young couple are standing in the driveway. They both have dogs with them, they are safety dogs, harnesses and all. I think nothing of at first but, "how are all of them going to fit in here? Is a dog going to sit in the front seat?" As I pull in to the driveway, the couple barely move. They don't even look at my car. A bit slow on the uptake it seemed.
"We have dogs is that okay?" The guy asked. "Sure! No problem." i respond, what choice did I have anyway? amazingly, they ask fit in the back seat, two humans, and two full-sized dogs. A yellow lab and a German Sheppard. "Got enough room back there?I can move the seat up if you need it." "Oh no we're alright. We're used to it." They laughed. We hit it off. They were very nice people. It was winter now and we talked about how everyone rushes around when it snows out. "The bread and milk!" She joked. "Everyone needs bread and milk! Why bread and milk?"
"Right?" I responded. "Why those two things? If the power goes out, your milk is going bad, how is it imperative to surviving? Is there an increased need for cereal during a power outage? Or dairy? Milk is probably the worst thing to get during a storm. Canned goods, alcohol and water I guess." We laughed at the hysteria every time a storm came around some more as I drove. The conversation died about halfway through as they talked to each other. The dogs were completely silent and behaved like saints.
We passed a gas station. "I can't believe gas is that low." He commented from the back. Nobody answered. About five minutes later we were approaching. "Is it this place?" I said pointing. "Uh, it should be the train station." He said. I was confused why they didn't simply take a peek out the window, it was clearly the station. "Alrighty, this is the place. You guys have a good rest of your night!" My signature sign off for riders when we reach our destination. "You too! Thanks so much!" They shuffled out the door with their doggies. I pulled away, they stood there blankly. I was confused.
I pulled off a bit down the road and looked back. Dog hair was everywhere. You'd of thought 6 dogs had lived in my backseat for a month. All over the seat,the doors, headrests, the backs of the front seats, the floor, in every crack and crevice. I was peeved at first. I had JUST vaccumed, for FREE. I was nowhere near that part of town anymore. So I took the hit and found a Cumberland Farms with a vacuum and went to town. "fuuuck, it's everywhere." Damn.
It was at that moment I realized they were blind. The dogs, the blank looks, the odd comment about the train station after I pointed it out. Plus well, the insane amount of hair. They were very kind and thankful I agreed to let them in the car with dogs, there's no way they were aware. I felt like a jerk. I kept thinking about his comment about the gas. But the legally blind can still see huge signs and make out certain things, it's not unheard of. "Welp,I feel like an asshole."
They didn't tip me, and I didn't mind. But I was out $1.25.
Most people
Use social media to filter how they look to the world. It's nature. I do it a lot too. Instagram especially. But Facebook, Twitter, etc.
Briefly, in playwright form, I'll explain my take on this now....
The world: HEY! look at me, I'm so pretty, my life if wonderful! I look so good! My life is great! Look at my car, my dog, my cat, my fish, my fatshit hamster! Look I'm in Cabo! Look I'm in NOLA and the Caribbean fucking deep sea diving with cumdumpster sharks and the dying reef and tires and look! a Fucking dead starfish! I'm on vacation! Here's a funny pic of me in front of an ugly local! Isn't he ugly?!? I'm at a park! I'm drinking coffee and living life. My world is gorgeous, I AM gorgeous! Everything in my life is magnificent!
Me: my world is falling apart, here it is. In the event I turn up dead, you'll know why. The truth.
Why can't more of us be honest?
Sitting
In the back of a station wagon. In the jump seat. This is where I sit when we go anywhere as a band. I get in through the back hatch. I can lie down and sleep if I can bring myself to. I hear conversation but there's too much air between me and the two up front and road noise to hear.
Most days my phone's dead at the end of a gig.it was charged when we left and I shut it down. So I'm reflecting. I'm glad I don't have to talk about the gig. Most nights I feel something went wrong even if the crowd tells us otherwise. I didn't make any major mistakes or miss any cues, I just feel off. I have impossible standards for myself. I'm never good enough.
That's not entirely true. (Oh boy here he goes contradicting himself again) I pride myself being the best fucking drummer in the room. I am not ashamed of that. Other bands are killer and I live listening. But there's a moment after a few where I go, "yep, still the best in the room." We might not play the spectrum of things I'm capable of, but nobody is doing anything to make me go, Oh shit! You know? There are only two I've seen recently, but I digress.
So there's that ego there. But it needs to be for the music. I don't claim I'm the best drummer. I'm not even close. I suck. But when I'm there in the venue on a gig night watching the other groups play, and I'm chomping at the bit to play, that ego has to be there. But you have to be able yo back it up. Which is why I'm so rough on my esteem and self when I screw up or don't perform as well as is hoped. The energy I WANTED wasn't present.
The one thing I am however, despite feeling poorly or good about a performance, is not so much the execution, but the ACTUAL performance. The look of it. We have few stops in between songs. It's a marathon in every way but the literal sense. It's 35-40 min of up to eleven, balls to the wall mayhem. Snare rolls in abundance, fast, slow, meticulous execution throughout the entire show. Cues NEED to be nailed. We play punk, pop, funk, hip hop, classical and everything in between. All with transitions. Hard stops and all that jazz.
No matter how hard and much we practice, the gig is always rough. We play much faster from adrenaline. It's intense. So take that 40 min and the fast intense songs even faster. Yea, try THAT fucking roll at THAT tempo. Try wailing away at the hi-hat with precision at that even FASTER speed. fuck. My point is, I'm working for every crash and fill and roll after the 3rd song. I'm really climbing and pushing and cringing and seriously fucking working to get it all and sound it good.
Some people watch because they want to see me pass out. I'm entertaining to watch. I AM about to pass out. I probably will some day soon. But either way if I don't feel I'm on, I'm going to promise you I'll be leaving everything, every part of me up on that stage. Because that's what it's all lead up to. This is my week, in a night. It's shady I looked forward to. So yes when I screw it or don't feel on I'm hard on myself. I feel I fucked up the one thing I had to do all week. Not even so much fuck it up, but because it didn't feel as good as it should have. It wasn't as satisfying. It happens
But I can promise I'll be leaving it all up there out of love or frustration or both no matter what. I's all I have.
This poor kid pt. 4
Total mayhem.
Mocking and ple ading with a baby is the definition of insanity and retardation in it's official sense. No. But they're not retarded. I wish they were. That way I could feel bad for them, they'd have an excuse. But they are not retarded. They're just assholes. Jerks. Monsters if you ask me. They know exactly what they do. They wait for everyone to leave.They forget I'm here a lot. I love it. I see the real them, they're true selves when they think no one is around.
This whole place is a disaster, a tragedy waiting to happen. Everyone in this house is in denial and insane, myself included. It's a sad state of affairs. No one does anything and looks the other way and stays away as much as possible, myself being the worst offender. My step brother just refused to watch his own kid got 10 minutes to play video games on a new $600+ computer he bought with state money, or her money, she works now part time. He plays and plays and plays. The little 16 yar old. Getting away with murder and still is, ten years on.
The baby cries as she tries to out him to bed to sleep so she can shower. She's just as bad. She can't figure it out.She's even worse then he is because she's a higher functioning conniving cunt. He can't hide it. His foolishness is out there for all to see.He tries to hide it. But he's an addict and a habitual liar. Nothing that comes out of his mouth is the truth. We all know this. Plus, with the drugs, he thinks he's pulling one over on you, but he's not. It's so dumb and obvious it's embarrassing watching him try to dig his way out. She is better. She will cry and lie through he teeth until you feel horrible for her and stab you upfront point blank in the throat. She deserves the worst for what she does with that kid. She claims and acts line a single parent though. Like she's got it so rough for working a few hours and having a kid with a practically absent farther. She has it so fucking good.
But, here she is not wanting to deal with any of it, because it's "so hard" boohoo. She never wants to deal with it.ever. Ever ever. She never has. Never will. Just put him to sleep and politely ask him to stop crying. That's the answer to all his ails. It's insanity. He cries and cries and cries and screams and I can't do anything about it. I'm close to leaving anyway.
Here, there, anywhere.
Car fire
Come watch the circus, the dancing bear, the clown, the magician, the comedian.
Let's all watch the car fire from a distance, and sit on our assess and do nothing and say nothing.
And watch it burn.
How many?
I love this song. The best song you've never heard from these guys. I like signing it.
Gates
This song makes me want to dance.